My guy insists I wash his clothes
Hello Praise,
I need help with my relationship that is about to hit the rocks because my guy feels I may not make a good wife for him. Things were very ok when the relationship started until he started asking me to come cook and wash his clothes which I declined, and from that moment things haven’t remained the same. Should I go ahead to dance to his tunes because I don’t want to lose this relationship.
Chioma O
Dear Chioma,
Thanks for your mail and I really thank you for trusting me to help out with this problem. I think you need to settle the issue of identity or mistaken identity with this guy and here are some questions the two of you might need to trash out:
- Are you a lover or a house keeper?
- Does he want a wife or a dry cleaner?
- What is his definition of a wife or woman?
If you can get him to answer those 3 questions you would know if you need to stay or not because I am not sure what he wants is a wife. A man is not doing you a favour by asking you out so no one should feel your life would end if he doesn’t marry you except where the guy feels you are desperate. Whatever you won’t do in marriage you have to begin to reject from now. How was he washing his clothes and fixing his meals before he met you?
I am not against lovers assisting themselves however it must be a privilege and not a right whatever is done in courtship. It is obvious you are seeing a typical traditional guy and if that is not the future you want please take a decision that protects your interest. Never take an emotional decision about your future because what makes a good wife has got nothing to do with her ability to do laundry except where she intends to start a laundry firm (lol)
Please have a meeting with him and know what is in his mind but don’t feel bad if you lose the relationship because you have exercised your right as a human being but not sure the guy is comfortable with that right. I guess he wants a thing that he wants to use and not a being that should be respected.
It is well with you.
How do I tell my wife about my baby mama
Dear Praise,
I never knew something like this happens on cable until I mistakenly stumbled on it and must let you know that you are God sent. I was most impressed with your response to issues and for the first time I felt I have found someone who would be able to help out with what is killing me.
I have been married for 7 years to a lovely woman but things were so tough in our first 3years that we almost went our separate ways and it was a period of depression for me which led me into the hands of another lady who unfortunately used to be close to my wife. She was a confidant during that crisis but one thing led to another and I slept with her which unfortunately resulted into pregnancy. She moved to Ghana till she put to bed and contacted me afterwards. My world was shattered but she promised she wasn’t going to make any trouble as long as I took care of upkeep which I have been doing but the guilt of my secret life is killing me. Please what do you advise me to do?
Femi I – Lagos
Dear Femi,
I can tell from your mail how difficult it must have been for you to open up about this issue and trust me you are not the only man going through this neither will you be the last so that should make you calm down a bit. Mistakes happen every now and then but what we do with our mistakes is what differentiates real men from cowards.
As much as many may want to cast stones and kill you for what has happened I’d rather appreciate you for accepting paternity for that child because I know a lot of men who denied their seeds however keeping it away from your wife could be more damaging ultimately if you don’t do something because ultimately there is no secret anywhere especially because your wife is a friend to your baby mama.
The process of breaking the news is where the issues is and care must be taken so that you can effectively navigate that aspect because it would involve a lot of damage control and trust management. So my counsel would be for you to look for someone that both of you hold in high esteem and for you to confide in the person about what has happened. I will suggest you also prepare your mind for an unpleasant response from your wife and kids. It is expected but with your sincere heart and humility you will rebuild every broken trust and relationship.
Your wife will surely be devastated and that is expected because she is human but I am sure if the person breaking the news is a skilled counsellor things would be better managed. The last thing you want is for your wife to discover what has happened by herself so I suggest you break the news yourself and ask for her forgiveness and give her room to heal after which you can then take a decision on the child that is involved.
In all of these a lot of man management is required on all sides which I believe will eventually lead to a reconciliation and restoration.
God bless you.
Hello Praise.
I like your response to relationship issues. Keep it up
By the grace of God, I have been married for almost 7years. I did not at any point wash his clothes before we got married. I cooked whenever he visited me at home. I do not subscribe to washing of clothes or cooking as a prerequisite to marriage . Its r*****h. I do not say we should not assist each other but it must not be a condition. That is just mere slavery. He should get a maid.
Single ladies, it is how you present yourself to your intending spouse that’s how you will be addressed. Don’t be too available. Have some self respect not pride. I used to work 8 to 5 on the island and sometimes that was the time we had to relate. We were both busy at our different churches on sunday. We had a couple of free Saturdays. .so tell me where cloth washin comes in here. And oh yea! We have a Godly home. I can do anything for him likewise him. Love does not dictate.
It is easy for men to say oh! its the woman’s duty to wash and cook for a man she is not married to if they intend to marry. Well I am going to respond to this issue from a woman’s perspective and as someone whose past experiences have enriched her life. First of, men and people in general will not value you more than you value yourself. Chioma as a woman you need to know that you are not defined by your relationships. Every relationship you have either romantic or otherwise is for a purpose and you are to define that purpose and the other way round.
What role do you intend to play in your husband’s life when you marry him. It is that of a cook, a washer man and house keeper or do desire more in your marriage?
For a man to judge your worth as a wife or a wife to be by your how well you can do house chores is an indication of the value he places on you. You are more than that and please do not let any man define you as such. If he wants a cook, a washer man or house help he should go and employ one!
Now I am not saying keeping the home and taking care of the man of the house are not the woman’s duties. Oh! by all means, she must know how to do all those things they are her primary duties. She cant shy away from that. But until she becomes his wife, those duties are not hers. God knows I spoil my husband rotten because he is my king, my crown, my love, my friend, my father, my brother and ‘alarinfin mi'(permit my yoruba).
If he must know how well you can keep a home, how tidy and neat you are or how well you can cook, he should take a cue from how well you keep your apartment or where you live now, how tidy it is etc. Let him make unannounced visit so it wont be that you tidied up because you knew he was coming. Invite him to dinner or lunch in your house and cook for him in your house. Let him eat your food and then judge if you are a good cook or not. You can even choose to cook while he is there so he would be sure you cooked the meal.
One thing I will like you to have at the back of your mind is that until a man walks you down the isle and put a ring on your finger, there is no guarantee that he will marry you. He may have proposed, you both may probably have been planning a life together but until he has actually taken the vows with you, it is only a wish, he is not your husband. so girl so do not sell yourself short!
If he not deserving of you, there are others deserving and worthy of your love. Work on yourself, develop yourself, prepare yourself for your husband in such a way that you are more that a house keeper for him when you eventually marry him because that is only when he will value you and you can add value to his life and destiny.
The problem is not the washing and cooking per se, it the mindset that is governing the request. Young woman, if you are not married to him yet, and washing of cloth and cooking is causing so much problem, then know that, not kneeling down on two kneel to greet is younger brother, may cause you to be send back to your parent. Of course kneeling down to greeting him and to serve his meal is a given. If you are comfortable to marry a very traditional man, please go ahead, it not think twice. Also take time to get to know his family, if they are very traditional, then count your cost to go ahead or not. Remember if , in doubt, don’t forge ahead.
Your comment.. I totally agree wit u,dats how it should be. U hv spoken my mind, GOD bless u.
Hmmm, the man appears to be the type that likens the role of a woman in the house to that of servitude. In this case they’re not even married yet, by the time they get married, she will be told to wash her mother and father in law’s clothes
By the time she has 2 or 3 kids, a career or business and other social activities to attend to, please who will be washing his clothes?
This young woman has to be clear about what she wants, what she can do and how far she can go.
If you can’t continue please don’t start it.
It’s going to be a different ball game after marriage.
is it proper for a girl to start dating at the age of 18 or at what age can a girl date?I’ll appreciate if there could be a reply, thanks.
I sincerely do not understand why a man your are not married to should demand such. You both are meant to help each other out not place demands. Love isn’t about demanding it is about giving. How comfortable you want to make your partner. Except you are OK doing it then no problem. But note this is just a tip of what is in stock oooooooo. Sadly lots of women are doing same just to show they would make a good wife and still the man maltreatment n cheat on them. I commend him because he has shown you the type of Man he is and his ideology if you can live with it you are to decide.