TheCable

Hello. Good evening. Who’s this please?

Good evening, His Eminence!

Good evening, sir. May I know who’s on the line please?

Your Eminence, you mean you cannot guess? What happened to your anointing?

Boss, you should know I’m a very busy man. Kindly tell me who you are and what I can do for you. See, I’ve been traveling in the past 24 hours or so, and I have a 10-hour layover here in London Heathrow. I have just switched on my phone, sir, and you know how expensive a roaming call can be. So, let’s get to the point…or I’ll cut you off. I don’t want to be rude, sir. So, who’s this please?

My Cardinal Emeritus, you cannot be complaining about roaming costs as the founder and financial controller of MoFeTo Miracle Shursh of Latter-Day Saints. Are you not the one who is always mentioning huge sums of money in foreign currencies. Well, my name is President Jibrin of Sudan. Hahahahaha! My name is Muhammadu Buhari.

Are you kidding me! This must be a joke. Your Excellency? OMG! Good evening, your excellency. How could I have missed that voice. I’m sorry sir. I didn’t mean to be rude, sir. I have seriously been traveling since yesterday. I took off yesterday evening from Austin, Texas, where I went to spend Christmas with my family and relatives. I couldn’t get a seat on the London-Lagos British Airways flight until New Year’s eve, so I’m having to fly from Austin to Dallas to London to Abuja and then, I’ll catch a flight to Lagos, sir. I don’t want the New Year to meet me on the way.

Well done, Mr. Oparah. You are one of those my administration is hoping to change from going abroad for Christmas and other holidays to going to their hometowns and villages or other local destinations instead. You have, by your actions, enriched the economy of the United States. You have also grown the business of the British Airways. You could have saved most of the money by avoiding that trip, with all the associated stress and strain. Anyway, I called to say thank you very much for the embarrassment you just caused me with your crazy post on Facebook a few hours ago…!

Your Excellency! What post are you talking about? I’m sorry sir…which one, sir?

Mr. Oparah or should I still call you His Eminence? You made a post with my photo during my condolence visit to the family of His Excellency, President Shehu Shagari, who passed away yesterday.

OMG! Your Excellency! Did you see that? I’m sorry sir, but it was meant as a joke.

It was not funny at all, Oga sir!

It was a joke, sir. I tried to make light of the moment, sir. I caused my followers to look at the neatly assembled cans of Power Horse Energy Drink on the Centre Table. In my mind, I was like “His Excellency should just grab a few cans, boost his energy and take his wife to “ZaOzza Room”. Many people found it very funny. Hahahaha!

Do I really need an Energy Drink to take Hajia to ZaOzza Room?

Well, we don’t know for sure, sir. At 76, you cannot be as active as you used to be hence the recommendation. More importantly, your Excellency, some of us think you need to discipline Madam in ZaOzza Room so she can stop tackling you publicly. Some of us who are very intelligent and creative and, sometimes, mischievous, believe very strongly (and this is from our personal experiences) that Hajia is protesting “something”. That was why I asked you to drink enough Power Horse, then take her to ZaOzza Room and “beat” her very well sir.

You are not well, walahi, you this wayo Cardinal Emeritus. You are very funny. My wife is not protesting anything related to what your dirty mind is telling you and your dirty-minded friends. She is just being herself. She likes to express herself. I believe she does not have bad intentions. She is very much like me. We say things the way we see it. You people may think it is tactless. May be it is tactless, but that is our own understanding and expression of freedom. We just speak our minds.

But, sir, she is embarrassing you and your government. Why can’t she tell you her mind at home, after all she is also supposed to be one of your closest and most trusted advisers by virtue of her position as your wife. Besides, when you become a public servant, your mind must be thought through and cautiously expressed to avoid misrepresentation.

Don’t mind her.

I mind her, sir. Her now frequent outbursts give the impression that you either do not have firm control of your home or your government or both.

Never. That is not true. Listen, I am no longer GMB. I am now PMB. This is not 1984, when I was a young, rigid military leader. I am much older now, wiser, more tempered and, more crucially, this is a democracy. So, I give people more room to express themselves and, of course, my wife is the greatest beneficiary of the situation.

All right, sir. However, I think you should seriously caution her against publicly excoriating your government because she wittingly or unwittingly arms the opposition and your enemies with weapons to attack you. I think you should really stop her. People are beginning to think you are either weak or have lost control of your wife-and that is not good, sir.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Mr. Adviser. I have heard.

By the way, sir, who told you about that Facebook post? Femi Adesina?

Hahahaha! It was my wife O! Someone brought it to her attention and she showed it to me.

Showed it to you? Is she on Facebook?

I don’t know. Someone sent her the photos…

Screenshots sir…!

Yes, screenshots…of your post and she and her daughters were there laughing…!

I hope she wasn’t angry, sir?

No. No. Not at all. She was laughing and saying “aha, see what they are saying about you…!”

So, I was right she was protesting “something” sir?

Will you keep quiet, my friend!

Hahahaha! Your Excellency, the expression “Will you keep quiet?”  is owned by someone, a former First Lady….

Na you sabi…So, how is everything, Mr. Oparah?

Your Excellency, I have been looking for this opportunity to complain about your decision not to patronize Ethelberts, my clothesline. Even President Obasanjo, President George Weah, the VP of Ghana, Chief Adeojo of Elizade, Prof. Pat Utomi, etc are patronizing us.

Decision? Blame your friend Femi Adesina! I have been asking him who makes some of the clothes he wears but I believe  he is hiding his tailor from me. By the way, I am not as rich and famous as some of the people you have mentioned.

I don’t believe you, sir. Femi is very good man and my good friend too. He’s always had my back right from his days. So, are you saying, your Excellency, I can ask him to set up an appointment for me to come and take your measurement?

Yes. Mr. Tailor! By the way, you live a very interesting life. You are an Obioma. You sell recharge cards. You are head of a shursh. How do you cope? More seriously, I learnt of your recent award by the Nigerian Institute of Public Relations, NIPR. Congratulations. When I read the story, I concluded it was well deserved. You have worked very hard and very well too. Congratulations!

Thank you so much, your Excellency. Thank you sir.

All right, Mr. Oparah. Let me leave you to relax and wait for your flight to Abuja.

Your Excellency, thank you so much for the call. I am highly honored. I remember you also called me last year to wish me Merry Christmas while I wastraveling in Abu Dhabi. Though I missed the call, Femi told me you really wanted to personally wish me well and I did and still do appreciate the very kind and humbling gesture, sir. But, sir, before you go, please allow me to make some suggestions.

Ok. Shoot!

Thank you, Your Excellency. Now, in view of the presidential elections next year, I want to suggest you try and disprove the impression that you are punishing the Igbos for contributing only 5% of the votes that helped you to win the presidential election. I know that was not what you meant by your statement but you know what we say in Communications that context matters. The Igbos believe that in the context of the 2015 presidential elections, you are punishing them for not massively supporting and voting for you. They may be wrong but it is your duty to prove them wrong.

Mr. Oparah, thank you very much for the advice but no thanks because my government is treating the people of Nigeria equally. I am president for all. As I said in my inauguration speech, I belong to nobody. If there are concerns and misgivings about appointments and projects, we shall address them during our second term. But take my word that we are not and cannot be punishing the Igbos or any ethnic group for anything. Even those who were blowing up oil pipelines are not being punished.

Hahahaha!

What’s funny?

Your Excellency, you are very funny. First, you preempted me with that remark on appointments and then you made me laugh with the one about second term. Look, sir, I am one of those who thought you didn’t need a second term and here’s why:Some of us felt after you survived the health scare last year, you should have planned a dignified exit at the end of the first term. Considering the fact that you have ruled the country as a soldier, contested in 3 previous presidential elections and finally won in 2015, you should have come to office with a plan to groom a young person to succeed you and take Nigeria to the next level.

Aha! You have used our campaign slogan, Next Level!

Well, that was merely a coincidence, your Excellency.

Whatever…! My brother, I hear you on the retirement and succession plan, but these things are not as simple and as easy as they appear. First, before you know it, four years are over! You hardly have the time to settle down and put things in order much less put in place a plan for retirement and succession.

I disagree, Your excellency.

Hold on, Mr. Oparah, before you disagree. I think your idea is a good one, but as I said, these things are easier said than done. When you are outside, you cannot know exactly what is happening inside.

Very good sir! That was precisely what happened to you and the All Progressive Congress, APC. You were certainly a victim of what you just said now, your excellency. You and your party assumed you knew it all and had all the solutions to the country’s problems. Now, almost four years down the line, we are nowhere near the Promised Land.

But we are not where we used to be before we came in…!

Yes sir. Agreed but if you look at the Parable of the Dirty Room….

Which one is that biko?

It’s a parable my late father manufactured years before he passed away. According to him, a man was asked to clean two rooms, one was very dirty and the other was very clean. Within minutes of entering the dirty room, he made immediate and urgent impact, but it was hard to notice his effort in the other room. I don’t mean ZaOzza Room, sir!

My friend, be serious. I will be the first to admit we may have over-promised. We did not know the level of challenges we were going to inherit. We did not even reckon with the level of divisiveness which the 2015 elections caused among the people of Nigeria. But I am happy to say, Insha Allah, we are making gradual but steady progress. Your friend, Femi can give you details of all our achievements so far. By the way, your father is a philosopher. I like the Parable of the Dirty Room. I hope I can use it and quote your father?

Please feel free, your excellency. Now, one of the major challenges your government has faced is that not much is being said about your achievements. To me, the  information machinery of your government is not very strong or not very good. It is not strategic. It is rather reactive, always reactive. In this day and age of social media, it is disastrous to allow the opposition or enemies of the government to drive the narrative. This has got to change as we go into the elections. Your men should give the people regular, authentic, reliable information about government activities and projects. What does the National Orientation Agency (NOA) actually do?

Thank you very much, Mr. Oparah. I know you are going to talk about appointments.

How did you know, sir? So, tell me. I also believe, like many others, that your appointments have been lopsided in favor of the North.

I disagree with all due respect. First and foremost, every part of Nigeria is adequately represented in my government. Of course, all the zones are not of the same size and given the principles of Federal Character, we have done our best to take care of every part of the country. Your people are in charge of the economy. I mean the South led by the Vice President.

Ok, sir. I just think the frequency of announcements of the appointment of people from the North makes me and many others uncomfortable. You need to look at the frequency or the appointments or both. There is a problem somewhere, sir.

We are doing our best and we shall continue to review these things to ensure equity and fair play. As you know, you can’t please the world.

Yes sir. You can’t please the world, but also perception is reality.

That is what Femi Adesina and Garba Shehu always tell me.

Yes sir. And they are very right. For instance,  when you returned from your medical sojourn abroad it was imbecilic to tell Nigerians you could not resume immediately because rats had taken over your office. Rats? With all due respect, sir, i thought it was absolutelysilly to tell Nigerians you couldn’t resume because of ordinary rats! Didn’t they know you were returning? How came it they left the highly talented rats to occupy your office when they were not elected into that office? It would have been more credible and sensible and more respectful of the people to say you would work from home for some time than that rat story.

That is now in the past, sir!

Yes, your excellency, it is in the past but we must point out these things lest they happen again. Let me quickly say one or two other things before I let you go sir. You know it is not often one has the privilege of having the C-in-C of a country talking to him on the phone. So, permit me to add that you must change your team, your cabinet if you win a second term.

Of course, I will win a second term and of course I will change the cabinet. So, when I win….

I don’t trust you on that one, your excellency. You never reshuffled your cabinet and don’t tell me that bullshit about not changing a winning team.

You must apologize to me for using that word, Mr. Oparah.

I am very, very sorry sir. It was actually a slip of tongue. Plus I am not happy with you on that very sore point.

Sore point?

Yes sir. It’s a sore point for me and many others. Nigeria deserves better than what we got. There are thousands of more talented and more accomplished Nigerians who should have been appointed to key positions in your government given the enormity of challenges you met on ground. What took you so long? I mean, after almost six months….

Six months…?

Yes, six month, your excellency, after which you gave us a cabinet that seemed jaded and full of politicians, a team that appeared to have been built out of political expediency rather than aptitude and competency. I hope you will not repeat what happened, if you win in 2019. Give Nigerians men and women who will deploy their talents, their energies, their passion, their creativity and their experiences to unleash the potentials inherent in this country to make it great.

Thank you very much, Mr. Oparah.

Finally, your excellency, you must pay serious attention to the rising and strident calls for restructuring the country. While I am aligned with your position that Nigeria’s unity should not be trifled with, I believe it is not non-negotiable. We, the people, should decide what is best for us without compromising the strengths of our unity, our oneness. I will urge you, in the same spirit, with which you have completed many good projects started by your predecessor, to set up a panel to consider the report of the National Conference organized by President Goodluck Jonathan. I believe the outcome of that conference cannot be useless and should not be wasted as an effort in futility. Nigerians all seem to favor a sea change in the way things are organized and you have a God-given mandate to see to the realization of the aspirations of the people.

I will. I promise to take a second look at the issue of restructuring. I agree things are not going well. After all, that was why I contested the presidential electiona record four times. That is a record, which my brother Atiku is trying to equal. I promise to leave Nigeria much better than I met it. It is my covenant with God and the people of Nigeria.

That is very encouraging, your excellency. Your words give me hope-and I will share this conversation with Nigerians. As you know, most of us worked hard for you to become president not for personal gains but for the good of our country. We are not totally impressed but since you have thrown your heart in the ring again (pardon the pun),  we will give you a second chance to make Nigeria better and make Nigerians happier. I wish you the best in the elections.

Thank you very much, His Eminence. Please greet all the members of Elders Council of MoFeTo Miracle Shursh of Latter-day Saints. And I hope you will let Barrister Richard Akinnola and my Editor, Oga Nsikak Essien, have some peace in the new year.

Chisos! Your Excellency, so you know all about our shursh? Gwazia Ndi yard unu.

Meaning?

It means that you remember to drink your Power Horse tonight so you teach Madam some fresh, tough lesson inZaOzza Room. She definitely needs it.

Oh dear! He’s dropped.

***This conversation is a figment of my mischievous imagination and never happened.