BY Dayo Oladele-Ilori
…So where did the dough go wrong? Is it in the choice of ingredient, the kneading process or the amount of heat used in baking?
Although many people believe we are born blank like a white, flawless board waiting to be written on, I believe we also have existing genes that determine our personality even before the first breath. However, in our infancy, opportunities abound that can help tame, channel or empower us to meet the expectations of the excellence we desire to achieve.
Raising boys that become excellent men is not the turf of impatient bakers who knead rough, poorly-shaped and untested dough. It is for individuals who understand, recognise and admit the challenges faced by boy-child with no judgmental stance or pretence. Many boys are raised by societal stereotypes who believe boys must live with blue and build the blocks while girls must dine with pink and play with Barbie (I am also guilty).
Another extreme are people who force the girl-child to become tom-boys who lose beautiful feminine virtues and become torn in between the two genders. Boys have been told many lies over the years, which led them to their current dysfunctional state. These lies stem from our opinion of wanting to raise strong, resilient men. However, we turn out beasts and wolves in sheep clothing. Of course, it is cool for boys to cook, sew and change the diapers. It is good for boys to cry; talking is not a feminine trait but a communication skill that must be encouraged across both genders. These lies over the years produce rapists, serial adulterers, irresponsible fathers, poor communicators and many others as exhibited by these men.
Another very subtle occurrence, which is neither addressed nor admitted, is that these dysfunctional men are products of some form of abuse. Boys should never be assumed strong and immune to abuse. They are as much the prey as they are the predators. Yes, many boys have been raped, molested, introduced to pornography and masturbation even before they are able to read the alphabets. Many boys watched their fathers beat up their mothers till they were able to register the pictures and recount it vividly. And yes, these boys get pregnancy of course not with babies but with unhealthy intangible subtle disposition which births the dysfunctionality that impacts the society negatively.
These boys birth hatred, revenge, anger and insecurity, which they drop on the laps of any unfortunate naïve girlfriend or wife. They eventually become abusers because the symptoms have developed into a full-blown disease and then an epidemic ensues. Unfortunately, until they become serial rapists or irresponsible men, everybody terms this anomaly as “manly”. Do I blame them? Well, a very complex view to express. Although as we grow older, we are expected to take responsibility for our behaviour, this men started out as damaged ailing boys, hence they do not even know how else to behave. These men are boys who were never fixed.
Many women and also men have put two good feet forward for the girl-child, without even a foot for the boys? Why? The general perception of boys are born “predators” and women “prey” has redefined the word “strong/strength” in men to also include a natural disposition to meanness, lack of empathy, poor emotion wickedness. Ultimately, to get it right from the roots, boys will require great formal and informal mentors. This begins with the home-bakers – his parents. What exactly do you tell your boys?
Boys should be allowed to fall naturally in love with whatever is around them. Let’s get them to a secure place where the pink is not inferior to the blue. In schools, churches, counsellors, teachers etc. must emphasise the “wet dreams”, false erection as much as they hack on menstruation and pregnancy, which occupies a number of pages in the science text. This breeds equity and healthy vulnerability. Boys must be told the proper way to approach a girl, and to respect their “no” without getting naughty. Boys must be taught not to sleep with a girl until they are ready for the responsibility. Boys must be mentored about faithfulness in relationship. The crude mentality that licences men to misbehave and prepares girls for chastity is a failed teaching.
Lending a voice to the assumed strong, violent yet uncensored gender, raising a tribe of excellent men requires the deliberate smoothening, sharpening and testing of the dough by expert bakers. Who is an excellent man? Which planet do they come from? What stuff are they made of? The race of raising an excellent man starts with the content of the dough – ingredients combined in the right measure to form a recipe that brings forth the desired bread.
Lets us take a step in the right direction and start the crusade/vanguard for the boy-child. For me, both the boy-child and the girl-child require equal opportunity and attention. The subject matters and focus are what differs. How can we raise mentors who will help to knead and bake the boys into excellent men? That dough in your hands is actually somebody’s husband, father or business colleagues. Knead and bake him with the right amount of heat, passion and dedication. Remember, it is not about perfection but genuineness.
www.dayooladelilori.com
Email: dayo.oladele.ilori@gmail.com
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