The dough, the oven and the bread

Boys are men in motion; boys are men in the making. Boys are the dough, men are bread. The content of the dough determines the quality of bread, all things been equal with the oven baking it.

I was talking with a friend last week and one of the things we did discussed was rape and abuse of the girl-child. She was oozing with passion and her countenance was injected with vigour. One question I asked her was “What about the boy-child?”

Every NGO seems to be focused on the girl-child, their education, well-being etc. I belong to the education committee in my church and one of the projects we had earmarked for this year is a youth programme focused on Sex and all its attendant problems from being single to married etc. Hmm, again the case of domestic violence and rape came up in my discussion with one of the members. She also delved into the issues of domestic violence, child molestation with regard to the females.

My position was that the boys or male gender are also victims of certain abuses, hence their dysfunctional behaviuor. Initially, my friend disagreed vehemently with me but I told her that several NGO spring up every day managing the girl-child, yet the cases of rape, domestic violence, molestation etc are mostly on the increase. The rough unrecorded, yet attested statistics in public spaces especially social media shows a high rate of rape with secondary effects of separation and divorce. I told her something is definitely wrong, that if up until now all we do is mentor our girls, educate them on chastity before marriage, the importance of securing their virginity, how not to get raped, how to keep a good relationship, we should ask ourselves: “Who exactly are we preparing them for?”

Is it the boys who have not been told that having an erection is not an automatic license to have sex? Just as we tell the girls, don’t let anyone touch you, have we bothered to tell the boys never to touch girls in inappropriate ways? Have we discussed how best the boys can manage their libido once it threatens hunger and maturity? Have we sat our boys down, looking them squarely in the face and letting them know that the same punishment and social humiliation will be meted out to the one that gets pregnant and the one that impregnates? Have we told them how manipulative and destructive pornography and related stuff can do to a healthy sex life? Have we mentored them to know its okay to cook, take care of kids or even cry and let out emotions?

I hold a very unpopular opinion which validity I know many women question, yet I dare to lend a voice to this opposite clan, who are treated as a stronger opportunist gender, while in the real sense they are burdened with several weaknesses. My personal take in dealing with this issues are as follows:

Imagine we continue to tell the mouse to run and hide away from the cat, when we know full well that the cat has a natural advantage over the mouse. If we must ensure that the mouse is truly safe, the cat must be educated about why it is appalling for them to feed on the mouse.
Why educate and prepare a wonderful bride for a dysfunctional groom? Why tell the teenage girl to be careful, when we leave the boys as wild range breeds free to try a prey. If mothers and fathers caution the boys with the same intensity and vigour used in cautioning the girls, these incidents would have reduced drastically.

Recently I promised my son a lunch date at a restaurant where we both loved to eat. It is supposed to be a private date just between mother and son. No other person is invited. My daughter feels bad but I told her she will have her turn. I have been making a mental list of all I intend to discuss with him. I bet if we can extend such worthy time beyond the scope of our home to other boys, we would be sowing good seeds that will germinate into beautiful fruits

There must be a mind shift from repair to preemptive and preventive attitude. There must also be a shift from working on only the prey, to working also on the potential predators. Once we can manage their appetite, longing and desires early in life, then we have less incidences. If we can build a strong male, who for instance knows that it is valuable for a man to remain chaste till marriage, then the incidences will reduce. If the boys have proper definition of what responsibility meant, then we will have fewer men who will marry and not have the moral inkling to provide for his family. If boys are taught emotional intelligence, we will have fewer men who will say, the tongue of my wife drove me into total madness causing me to beat her up.

Many people have also asked me why the men are not living up to the responsibility of mentoring boys, and I tell them: the natural maternal patience most women are endowed with is sometimes missing in the DNA of most men. Secondly, if I have not been mentored properly with the right values, how well can I mentor others? Who will join me in this “Race of Raising Excellent Men”? Who will join the crusade of mentoring the boy-child? Who will lend a voice to the gender assumed strong, violent and uncensored? We need both men and women on board this ship. Remember, we make the dough, we lit the ovens, and we get the bread. Whatever it tastes like is mainly our making. Perfection is nothing but genuineness is everything.

www.dayooladelilori.com
Email: dayo.oladele.ilori@gmail.com