Five players who should follow Drogba into retirement

August 09

12:56 2014

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Before fans start getting creative and inserting their names in nursery rhymes, certain players who, based on their performance at the last World Cup, should toe the honourable line of Didier Drogba in bidding international football bye.

We will understand your reasons for taking the bold step. In fact, any reason would do. “…make space for the youngsters…” Good. “…concentrate on club commitment…” Better. “…blah, blah, blah…” Best! Except, of course, you want to start hearing on the terraces rhymes and dance reminding you of a pensioner or a salary-earner masquerading as a footballer on the field:

Old Roger is dead

And gone to his grave

(One hand on waist and the other clutching a walking stick)

Hm, ha,

Gone to his grave

They planted an apple tree

Over his head

(Brandish a picture of a promising and young player being deprived an opportunity in the team because of you)

Hm, ha,

Over his head

The apples were ripe

And ready to drop

(The picture of the same young player but this one will show he’s getting old by sitting on the bench)

Hm, ha

Ready to drop…

Samuel Eto’o

You say you are 33, but Jose Mourinho – never mind his dry sense of humour – thought he heard 43. Same here! No one can say greatness cannot be associated with your name, but the only problem is that you were great. Granted, you scored more than 100 goals in five seasons with Barcelona; you are the record holder in number of appearances by an African player in La Liga; you became the first player to win two European continental trebles following your back-to-back achievements with Barcelona and Inter; you are the second player to have ever scored in two separate UEFA Champions League finals and the fourth player, after Marcel Desailly, Paulo Sousa, and Gerard Pique, to have won the UEFA Champions League two years in a row with different teams; you are the most decorated African player of all time, having won the African Player of the Year award a record four times in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2010; you came third in the FIFA World Player of the Year award in 2005. We love you. We love your new goal celebration dance (a jibe at Mourinho), but the song has stopped playing.

Alex Song

Once a player starts using more of his hands than his legs on the pitch when he is not a goalkeeper, then something is wrong somewhere. Nothing is wrong with Song, though, because at Barcelona, the Cameroon midfielder has forgotten how to use his legs after so many minutes on the substitute’s bench. A new convert to the game would have thought Song was the right-hand to Barca’s manager, Tata Martino last season.

Song, you are my son’s namesake (Alex not Song) so I say quit while you are ahead. Try your hands (no pun intended) on other sports. Boxing? Kick-boxing? The choice is yours, but know that a medal at the Olympics or Commonwealth Games is better than a red card in football.

Sulley Muntari

Great to know that you helped Inter win the Champions League in 2009-10 and the Serie A title in 2008-09 and 2009-10. You were part of the Portsmouth team that won the FA Cup in 2007-08. You have been a full international for Ghana since 2002, with more than 80 caps for the national team. You have played in two Africa Cup of Nations tournaments and in Ghana’s three World Cups even though the last one in Brazil was a disaster for you on and off the pitch. We remember your role in the-cash-at-hand-or-no-boot-on-leg drama before Ghana’s match against Portugal. You were suspended from international football by the Ghana Football Association. Please, remain suspended. But we promote you to the position of MD/CEO of Moneytari Bureau de Change.

Kolo Toure

It is a problem once a person is better remembered because of his association or relationship with another person. It is a bigger person if the other person is your kid brother! Here’s a brief biography of Kolo Toure.

Kolo Habib Toure is an Ivorian footballer who plays for Liverpool and the Ivory Coast national team as a central defender. He previously played for Manchester City and Arsenal, where he was a member of the famous side of the 2003–04 season that went the entire season without a defeat. He is the elder brother of Manchester City’s Yaya Toure. Yaya Toure is known for combining passing ability and physical power with technique. A versatile player was voted African Footballer of the Year for 2011, 2012 and 2013.