TheCable

It took time for my soul to catch up with my body that’s why this piece on my Women’s World Cup experience in Canada is coming 3,024,000 seconds after I left Winnipeg for Lagos.

I hope it won’t take longer for the story to catch up with your interest.

MEAL SERVICE

Ratatouille salad

Sautéed chicken with sweet and sour sauce, steamed rice, sautéed vegetables

OR

Tagliatelle with fish, dill cream sauce

Thank you AirFrance, I took Eba and Ogbono soup before boarding!

BUYING AND SELLING ON AIR

When my Commerce teacher at St Gregory’s College Obalende defined a market as any place that brings the buyer and seller together to transact business, he never mentioned an airplane.

And I’m sure I exposed myself as a Johnny-just-board-plane-newly when shock was written all over my face when I saw an air hostess brandishing a handbag for sale inside the Westjet aircraft I boarded from Toronto to Winnipeg.

At first, I thought she was handing out dessert before the real meal and I almost stretchered out my hands for what to me was a freebie.

I would have bought a bag tipatipa!

72 HOURS ON THE ROAD

Obesere, the fuji musician, was right when he dubbed people on the road for 24 hours as “omo oni irin” in one of his earliest hit tracks. But I wonder what he would have called someone who spent 72 hours on the road.

Well, that’s what I endured from the round trip from Winnipeg to Vancouver to cover the Super Falcons’ last group match against the USA.

“Why didn’t you go by air?” you must be wondering.

Well, if you rate the faces of the pilots and air hostesses above the sights and sceneries between Winnipeg and Vancouver then you are geographically challenged!

You must have heard the expression: “See Paris and die!” But please, see the beautiful mountains on the road to Vancouver before taking that decision.

Don’t even look at the N100 note in your pocket and say “can it be finer than Zuma Rock?”

Please, give Google a break as well. Here it is courtesy Google (I was too awe struck to take original pictures).

Here are other scenes and things you will miss by travelling on air:

Thirsty?

Sweet Dreams Motel!

Yeah, right

Care for one?

Are you still unconvinced and wondering why I didn’t travel by air which is a mere distance of 1863.79 km and non-stop flight time of 2hours, 23mins? But then, if you hold speed and time constant, the interior of a Greyhound bus compares favourably with Westjet airplane!

But if you don’t…

GREYHOUND IS BOUND TO HOUND YOU TO ‘DEATH’

Greyhound, the animal, runs at a speed of 63 km/h (Race speed) and that makes you wonder why a “slow coach” is named after one of the fastest land animals on the planet.

Greyhound buses test your patience and resilience, especially of someone used to Chisco and Ekenedilichukwu buses back home!

Blame the SlowHound for this…

There were stoppages to stretch the legs, to smoke, to eat, to freshen-up, to drop parcels …

The number of stoppages is more than the one witnessed in arguably the dirtiest match in World Cup history – the Battle of Berne.

Hungary defeated Brazil 4-2 in the quarter-finals of the 1954 tournament, but the referee stopped the game several times to separate the warring players. The infamous match had three dismissals and a dressing room brawl in which bottles were used.

Luckily, the only bottles used on the trip to Vancouver were water bottles to stop dehydration – the only welcome stoppage!

DON’T FOLLOW THE PRICE TAG

Whether goods have “sales” written on them or not, don’t follow the price tag in stores in Canada because seeing is deceiving!

“Oh, this shirt is nice and affordable,” you say, ‘affordable’ because you have mentally calculated the naira-Canadian dollar exchange rate and it’s favourable. You pick 14.

“Seven for me, to be worn Monday to Sunday; two for that my wonderful colleague in the office; two for that pastor that said I will be issued a visa; one for my great cousin who took me to the airport; and two for dad in the village.”

You smile to the counter armed with your greens, blues, and reds – the colours of your shirts and the Canadian currencies.

The cashier smiles at you. You frown after seeing the invoice and knowing that you have to pay. “I didn’t buy GST,” you say below your breath unlike the fabled Igboman at the bar who screamed “who drank Total” on sighting his bill.

So, do you reduce the number of shirts and pay less while consoling yourself with these thoughts?

“It wasn’t the pastor but God that made the visa possible jare,” you rationalise.

Minus two shirts.

“How wonderful is that my colleague sef,” you recall a long-forgotten squabble.

Minus two more shirts.

Or you form “big boy” and pay for all 14 shirts and GST – General Sale Tax!

LEFT-HAND IS RIGHT-HAND

In his book, The Wages of Sinistrality: Handedness, Brain Structure and Human Capital Accumulation, Joshua Goodman wrote that left-handed people earn, on average, 10 percent to 12 percent less than righties annually, in part because they score slightly lower on cognitive tests and have more behavioural problems.

I have to do my own research so I can beat my chest and say lefties earn less than righties but with what I saw in Winnipeg and Vancouver – the two places I visited in Canada – most people there are ambidextrous!

They – whether younger or older than you – use their left hand to collect money from you and could use their right hand to pass your purchase to you. And that just in a supermarket!

But I’m not saying they have behavioural problems like Joshua Goodman wants us to believe!

WHEN ADVERTS DON’T WORK

Would you purchase a product with the image of a frail man on a wheelchair being assisted by a nurse as its branding?

Would you still purchase a product with a warning: “A single stroke can leave you helpless. Cigarettes are a major cause of stroke. You can quit. We can help.”

Would you still purchase a product that again reminds you that: “Tobacco smoke contains fine particles that can damage the respiratory system.”

Would you still purchase a product that drums it into your ears that: “Quitting smoking increases life expectancy and improves quality of life.”

So, you’d still go ahead and purchase a product that has been boxed to a corner with those discouraging messages and visuals?

Canadian Classics no send!

Classic advertisement!

WORDS APART!

Most parts of the world, soccer and football are used interchangeably to mean the 11-a-side game.

In Canada, 11-a-side is soccer and 12-a-side is football. I’m sure you know that.

But if I may ask, what will you say of a goalkeeper who didn’t concede a goal in a match at the BC Place Stadium, Vancouver – kept a clean slate or a shutout?

Do you equalise a goal or tie the score?

Did the Super Falcons not make it to the knock-out stage or they didn’t make it to the single game knock-out stage?

Did the coach make three changes in his team or three lineup changes?

Ten minutes into the match/game or 10 minutes into the contest?

A second-round match or matchup?

The Nigerian squad or Nigerian roster?

But thank God, football or soccer is not a Canadian game!

RANKING IS HIGHLY RANKED IN NORTH AMERICA

Without recourse to Google, one can boldly say that ranking of countries in football was sold to FIFA by the North Americans.

Pre-match, match, and post-match commentaries were dominated by the ‘R’ word to gauge expectations and the eventual outcome of games at the Women’s World Cup.

To explain it better, here’s a preview of Canada’s group by a Canadian football magazine:

“This is not the Group of Death but it is a group of intrigue and uncertainty. More like the Group of ‘Hold your Breath’.

“While not rated in the top tier by FIFA, 9th ranked Canada, as host, was seeded for the Draw for the Women’s World Cup. It thereby not only avoided meeting any of the favoured teams in the group stage but also managed to bypass any of the world’s top 13 countries until the knockout round.

“At that time its highest placed opponent was China (ranked 14th) followed by the Netherland (15th) and New Zealand (19th). Rankings have changed minimally since.”

But did the ranking of countries confirm superiority? Well, aside England, the other teams that made the semi-finals – Germany, US, and Japan – are the top three teams in the world.

So, I’m sure you will still be interested in “…China (ranked 14th) followed by the Netherland (15th) and New Zealand (19th)…?”

And Nigeria, ranked, erm, 33!

Down goes the second-ranked team!

THE UNFAITHFUL HOUR

There’s a six-hour difference between Winnipeg and Lagos.

So, if it is 7:50pm in Lagos, it is 1:50pm in Winnipeg and if you are sleeping because the time is 12:10am in Lagos, you are approaching night time in Winnipeg because the time is just 6:10pm.

But did you notice how the hour changes from the different time zones and the seconds remain the same?

“Oh, what an unfaithful hour”, you ‘say’ as you reset your wristwatch at the Nnamdi Azikiwe airport, Abuja!

Expect a sequel if my soul and body decide to work in tandem yet again.