BY Guest Writer
My life: ministry and business, is not all work, work, and work; no!
I actually like to laugh off all the bad news, unbelievable wickedness, and needless stress, that Nigeria throws at me daily. Moreover, Proverbs 17:22 says, “A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.”
May your spirit never be broken, and may your bones ever bubble with life, energy and vitality, in JESUS Name.
Hence, from time to time, I share jokes, anecdotes and tales, that really made me laugh.
The Word of GOD further assures us that, “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, and he who is of a merry heart has a continual feast.” – Proverbs 15:13&15.
Find here some funny stuffs that cracked me up during the week.
Enjoy!
“Your mentor,…in this instance, a “Pastor”, reads wide and far…..His personal library is stocked up!.. Various authors and topics collide on his reading table…
And you, you only read books written by “Your Pastor?!”
“Something is doing you!” – Tope
“IF YOU DONATE BLOOD, AND GET PAID FOR IT, WHAT TYPE OF MONEY IS THAT?
NO BE BLOOD MONEY BE THAT?!” – Unknown
“People that break eggs inside their noodles still live among human beings till today, and the government is not doing anything about it?!……….When will the government start arresting those who chew Eba?……..I asked this boy selling dodo ikire if his product is not the bitter and dry type, and he went, “Ti E ba je, ninu epe, ninu adura, E fi kan ranse si mi.”
I just tasted it now, and I’m thinking I should consult ‘Ayilala’ before swearing for him!……..If you see any last born, hug him or her, because, naturally, they don’t have much sense O!” – Dare
“STATE AND CAPITAL
Snake and Carpenter
Abia – who am I
Adamawa – Loyal
Akwaibom – you know
Anambra – your car
Bauchi – how chip
Bayelsa – na yanga
Benue – my cousin
Borno – my deal go real
Delta – asanwa
Edo – begin sitting
Enugu – a new good
Imo – old way rain
Cross river – climb her back
Eboyi – I buy kuli kuli
Lemme stop here jare.
Contact me for your child home lesson. I good well well O!
Fee are very affordable.” – Unknown
“TRANSLATION 101:
English: Tina is a witch
Yoruba: Argentina
English: Enemies exist
Yoruba: Ottawa
English: The king has the Corona virus
Yoruba: Obanikoro
English: We are dead, we insulted Barca
Yoruba: Atiku, Abubakar!
English: I will turn a monkey into a nation
Ibadan: Insubordination
English: She is twerking at us
Ibadan: In judicial
English: I don’t have a chair
Ibadan: Initial
English: I’ll hang the net.
Ibadan: Internet
English: I haven’t seen you
Ibadan: Interior
English: I will jump
Ibadan: Info
English: I’m not sure
Ibadan: Insure.” – Unknown
“Just before 2020 fizzled out, two friends were discussing. One said to the other,
“Pally! Come to think of it, ‘Agbalumo (the local Cherry) did not come out this year, and no body is talking about it! Is that right?”
And the pal responded, “Be honest with yourself my guy! If you’re ‘Agbalumo’, you go come out this year? The year wey everybody, including Presidents and Pastors, dey cover face, dey look for where dem go hide dem heads from Coro!
Abeg, I no blame Agbalumo O!'” – Unknown
And, this one really cracked me up……
“I once shared a joke with my wife.
I asked her, hypothetically, what she would do if I told her that I got a call from a lady I once had an affair with, and she told me that I am the father of her 19 year old son, who of course would be much older than my wife’s first child for me.
She just hissed, looked at me with some fire in her eyes, and said, “You would never try that! Lailai!!!!!!”
Then I continued;
I asked her, what if the mother said the boy just wanted to know his father since he is now in England?
My wife’s countenance changed a little, and said, “And so?!”
I told her that the mother said that he is now a professional footballer, and currently plays for Arsenal Football Club, and he is on a weekly pay of 150,000 Pounds per week. She started smiling.
I told her that the young man is now requesting to know his half brothers and sisters, and he is willing to have them brought to the UK for their education, that he’ll be responsible for everything.
My wife just went into wonderland. Her next comment mesmerized me.
She said: I JUST PRAY THIS YOUR JOKE IS REAL O!”
As my people, the Yorubas would say, “The bad child belongs to the mother, but the good one is the father’s pride.” – Unknown
“OVERHEARD PRAYERS!
“My father, my father! Every evil force in Nigeria that is causing one month’s data subscription to finish in five days, die by fire!”
“O GOD ALMIGHTY, please, let 4×4 equal 44 when mummy is marking my paper.”
“Dear LORD, when I get to the hospital, please, let it be that the news that my wife has delivered triplets be a joke. Please!”
Covid-19 or not, nothing shall stop us from laughing, in JESUS Name.
Amen!!!!!
WHO WILL FIGHT FOR THE MEN?!
Whenever I buy fuel for the generator (and I do that 95% of the time), it is for the family O!
Whenever madam buys, it’s for a ‘special purpose’, like watching the ‘gin boys’ (Chelsea FC) play, or because the big boys, our sons, need to do one School assignment or another. If I ‘mistakenly’ put on the Gen with ‘their’ fuel, they won’t leave my neck until I replace it O!
I must take permission before touching Golden morn and other beverages, because, according to madam, “They are for the children!”
‘Igbati mo daru pelu gbogbo won, ta tun sha, dem give me free hand with the beverages. Abi, why I no go fit touch something wey I pay for?!’
A dear friend would say, “‘Eyan a sha je lara owo E!'” Meaning, “A man must eat from his money!”
Whenever I bring food home from parties (because I really don’t like eating outside), everybody expects to have a bite, but if I ever touch their own takeaway packs, it’s almost the equivalent of ‘first degree murder!’
‘E de shanu awa okunrin!’ Have mercy on the men fa!
Man must feed the family, house the family, pay Children’s (and, sometimes, spouse’s and in-laws) school fees, fuel the car(s), foot vacation bills, fight off aggressive neighbours, do vigilante when there’s security threat in the community.
‘Una wan kill man?!’
BTW, me, I don chop breakfast and lunch together O. Na after I don chop belleful, I come siddon dey write this ‘Awada-kerikeri’ wey you dey read so.
If you never chop, no discuss these matters with your madam O!
Well, na my good advice be that!
Have a joyful week.
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