TheCable

September 2021 was bloody for Nigerian women in a manner of speaking. There was no let-up, when you think it’s over and are about to heave a sigh of relief, a new story breaks about how yet another Nigerian woman has fallen from grace. I think it started with a DNA test palaver. A man discovered after a DNA test that a child he’d thought was his, wasn’t. The social media was agog and unanimous on who to blame. Whichever the story was turned, it came back to one thing: How unreliable useless women are… (you can insert your adjective of choice). Because women-bashing happens fairly regularly, I ignored that story. After all, these things soon blow over. However, women-bashing has not lost any momentum as the attacks have continued. So much so that the incidents have become mixed together in my mind. Let’s look at some of the cases that made the headlines.

In no particular order, let’s start from the Tonto Dikeh-Janemena-Kpokpogri imbroglio. Nollywood actress Tonto had a falling out with her boyfriend now ex, Kpokpogri (Prince Akporube Kpokpogri). There was a leaked audio recording of Tonto begging her then-boyfriend in tears. Before we could digest that, she hit back with allegations that Kpokpogri had sex tapes of various women he had slept with. Dancer and social medial personality, Janemena (Jane Orezinena Usiwo Piles), was supposedly among these women. She denied and even went as far as suing or threatening to sue Tonto. Not before another audio recording was leaked purportedly of Kpokpogri talking about his and Janemena’s sex escapades. The additional fact that Janemena is a married woman only made matters worse. However, as everyone rightly or wrongly vilified Janemena and sometimes Tonto, I don’t think Kpokpogri the man at the centre of it all got any real flak.

You may have heard of Tiwa Savage’s alleged sex tape, more like a porn clip if you ask me. Even though the singer had tried to get ahead of the story by preparing people’s minds well before the clip was leaked, it still caused a huge ruckus. Tiwa was castigated for letting people down because many see her as a role model, etc. It didn’t help that in the clip, only Tiwa’s face shows as it doesn’t show the man’s face except for his privates. The fact that Tiwa is a public figure, and the video was put in the public justified many reactions. There were the usual haters, there were the defend-at-costs, and of course those who just like to debate for the sake of it. In this particular story, almost everyone was right. If Tiwa was your role model, I can understand why you’d be disappointed although I hope your disappointment is with the video being leaked and her having clearly unprotected sex.

But I do understand those who felt let down by Tiwa. I once had my own OMG moment when she released a video for her song ‘Wanted’ which showed her looking like she was naked-she was wearing a skin-colored type bodysuit or something like that. Of course, the video itself was made to be extra sexy and all that. I was disappointed enough that I wrote a column to condemn her dressing in the video. However, after that incident, I realized that it was I who had put the pressure on myself. I was the one who put Tiwa on a pedestal. In my household, we used to see Tiwa as the innocent girl next door. I’ve since realized that I can’t really hold anyone to any moral standards just because I like their work. It’s the same thing with expecting a writer like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie to be my activist and voice of reason on every issue. It’s enough that I love her books and her writing. If I was under any illusion that she could also be my political champion, her conduct pre-2015 elections have since disabused my mind. She was one of those people who thought Goodluck Jonathan was the worst thing to happen to Nigeria since Major-Gen Muhammadu Buhari’s first time in office in 1984.

Nevertheless, I disagree with those who in defence of Tiwa said words to the effect: “We all have sex.’’ This is not a tenable argument. If we all do it, there’s a reason not everyone has a sex tape. Although media personality Daddy Freeze says people could have sex tapes they’re not aware of. That is, if you have ever had sex anywhere in an environment you had no control over. Or an ex who could be disgruntled may have recorded some things. In other words, someone could have your sex tape that you don’t know about. I recall a hotel somewhere in southwest Nigeria was exposed for hiding cameras in air-conditioner vents and places like that in their rooms. Imagine what videos they could have recorded of their guests. Daddy Freeze confessed to recording sex tapes in the past. And from the way he talked, he didn’t appear exactly sure of their whereabouts. But I digress. The point I’m trying to make here is that Tiwa was dragged mainly because she’s a woman. Some even re-dragged her (again!) over her failed marriage. Mind you, her ex-husband has a few children and baby mamas, but I don’t see anyone calling him irresponsible. If Tiwa had been a man in the same scenario with the woman’s face hidden in that video clip, some people would’ve still found a way to abuse the “useless woman” involved.

Now we get to the latest scandal. Who knows, there may be a new one before you read this.  Ex-BBN (Big Brother Naija) housemate Maria Chike Agueze got called out by celebrity barman Cubana Chief Priest (Pascal Chibuike Okechukwu) for threatening his sister whose husband, Kelvin, she’s dating. I understand why it was so easy for people to jump on Maria. One of the reasons has to be her conduct while in the Big Brother house where she behaved like she was better than everybody else as she talked down on fellow housemates, female and male. Maria said none of the guys was good enough as she couldn’t date any of them outside the house because they weren’t intelligent enough for her. She also took out time to diss some female housemates like Angel, calling her all kinds of names. Imagine then that Maria was not only dating a married man but was bold (or stupid) enough to send the woman threats via WhatsApp chats. This is in spite of her going out of her way to tell everyone how she has worked since she was 16 and become successful solely through her own efforts.

Mind you, Cubana Chief Priest’s issue is not with his brother-in-law having a side chick. It’s mainly the fact that the man Kelvin didn’t establish boundaries between his family and his lover. Many people seem to miss this point. Yet, in keeping with the spirit of this write-up, Maria has got more flak than the chief offender Kelvin. Kelvin is the one who is married. He is the one who exposed his wife and mother of his children to disrespect. But guess who is getting dragged? Well, no prizes for guessing. In fact, in all the noise from the controversy, commentator after commentator gave men a pass, especially rich men. The consensus was that certain men are too rich for only one woman. That monogamy is a western construct. And all that time, especially from the men, you can feel they all just wish to be in Kelvin’s position to be able to get away with cheating.

On a different level, there’s the Idibia family drama. There’s been trouble brewing between Innocent ‘Tubaba/Tuface’ Idibia’s wife Annie, her in-laws, and Pero, one of Tubaba’s baby mamas. Suddenly, I no longer have the energy to dredge up all the drama. Suffice it to say that if Tubaba had been a woman, can you imagine the noise about her having several children from three different men like Tubaba currently has children from three women? Instead, some people have still managed to blame the long-suffering Annie, who has been dragged by Tubaba’s family on social media, for marrying Tubaba. They say she knew how he yet went ahead to marry him. In other words, it’s her fault. What about Tubaba who’s the one putting his wife through hell by not considering her feelings? Why can’t he call his people to order? Is he the only man with baby mamas? But no one blames Tubaba, not really. All you hear is that: He is a man, na. And oh, a rich man at that.

I don’t think we should accept women-bashing as a way of life. Since we love comparing ourselves with other countries, albeit when it suits us, we need to begin to emulate countries that are trying to do right by their women.

What lessons from Netflix’s Maid?

Maid is a limited 10-episode drama series on Netflix, released in early October. It’s the story of Alex (Margaret Qualley), a young woman who flees from an emotionally-abusive relationship along with her 3-year-old daughter Maddy (Rylea Nevaeh Whittet). She runs to a shelter for victims of domestic violence where she refuses to lie about physical abuse from Sean (Nick Robinson) the father of her daughter and the man she’s running from. Maid is inspired by the 2019 book “Maid: Hard work, low pay, and a mother’s will to survive,” a memoir written by Stephanie Land. The book title tells you the story of Alex, without a college education or other marketable skills who resorts to work as a maid with Value Maids. It doesn’t help that she’s spent the last few years dependent on her daughter’s father, Sean. We see the lives of the rich people and the homes she cleans through Alex’s eyes.

One of her first clients is Regina (Anika Noni Rose) who treats her very badly on her first day. They’ll later go on to become friends. By the way, Anika Noni Rose plays Kainene in Biyi Bandele’s Half of a Yellow Sun (2013). Alex struggles to get work, finding accommodation is as daunting as not many landlords will accept the government-approved options meant to subsidize payment. The bureaucratic loops she has to pass through to access help is a different matter altogether. Then to top it all off, Alex has to manage her mother Paula (Andie MacDowell, also her real-life mother), herself a domestic abuse survivor with mental health issues, and her father Hank (Billy Burke) who’s not ready to own up to his past abuse. With all this dysfunction, it’s little wonder that Alex returns to Sean and the trailer home they used to share. The emotional and psychological abuse she suffers the second time around is worse. But why did she return to him?

Maid tells a very engaging story even though it’s dealing with a very emotional subject matter. What was to be a one-episode look-see turned into an all-nighter for me. That’s how engaging it is. But then I am here about the lessons I gleaned from the series. The first lesson is obvious: You’re dead without money (à la James Hadley Chase). Even though Stephanie Land, the author of the book which inspired the series says what she got from working as a maid was a desire to be never rich, the crux of Alex’s problems was money or lack thereof. In plain Nigerianese and in the words of Small Doctor, “If you no get money, hide your face.” If she had money, whether through employment or family inheritance, or could even earn better wages because of her qualifications, at the very least, she’d have been able to stand on her two feet after fleeing from abuse. She also could’ve left the abuse much earlier. This is of course presumption on my part. The reasons women stay with abusive partners are far more complicated. This is why the other lesson I got from Maid is that the cycle has to be broken so that kids do not carry on with abuse.

Meanwhile, let’s consider the Nigerian scenario, that is if the emotionally-abused Alex had been a Nigerian woman. Money alone wouldn’t have been enough to help her. For the Nigerian woman suffering abuse of any kind from a spouse, she may have to first deal with the culture of silence: “Are you the only one?” Then she’ll deal with the “men will be men” culture: “Is he not a good provider?” Then there’s the fear of being seen as a failure. As the real-life examples show, the single or divorced woman sometimes becomes a pariah as some of her married friends and acquaintances might not want to “catch her disease”. Apart from being seen as temptations, their “men will be men” husbands may be unable to resist.

And while on the Nigerian scenario, I’ll like to plead with anyone attempting a Nigerian version of Maid to not take us to (a boring Nigerian) school. By this, I mean they shouldn’t overload the story with all kinds of serious dialogue just because it’s about a serious subject. I’ve seen a few Nollywood films on domestic violence and the men are usually cast as one-dimensional caricatures. In other words, nuance is important. Not every time, screaming and breaking things.