TheCable

At the banquet hall of the presidential residence, Abuja, the Aso Villa demons are having the first meeting of the year. Their meeting is characterised by a lot of laughter, mockery and of course, drums and songs for dancing.

After minutes of dancing, the chief demon steps in; the drums roll a for a minute more before coming to a halt. The demons sit in order of hierachy, as they await the words of the chief.

(Chief clears throat to give the first speech of the year).

“Good evening gentlemen and ladies of the celestial villa, it is with great pleasure and a deep sense of gratitude that I welcome you to the first meeting of the year 2018.

“You all deserve a raise; your work in 2017 was remarkable. You recorded feats we have never seen in the history of this nation. Not even Sanni Abacha fell prey to our tricks as much as you made this man fall to them in 2017.

“For the first time in 57 years, we ensured that the man at the helm appointed masquerades (men of the world yonder) to his government to lead key agencies as board chairmen.

(Confusion and Delay, the demons responsible for this feat stand up and take a bow. The chief raises his right arm to make gestures of gratitude to the demons of the year 2017. He continues…).

“We gave them blind eyes to ignore the fracas between the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the Department of State Services (DSS). We ensured that Baba Lawal was sent back to his house in Borno since he was not cooperating. How can he use only N200 million to cut grass, when his mates are using over N4 billion to maintain the villa?

“We should send special gifts to Baba Garba, Uncle Femi, Prof Tsetse Sirkay, and Abu Mallami as our men of the year 2017. They made our work extremely easy this year. For Baba Garba, he embarassed the president with his rodents on rampage narrative, making rats chase the president from office for over two months.

“For Uncle Femi, it was a move from one blunder to the other. To cap a remarkable year, he cooked a presidential documentary where visuals were faster than sound, showing the incompetent side of his media team and the other side of the president. To make our work easier, he insisted that the documentary be aired at a time when only himself and the team in the villa would watch it. Insensitivity, how did you pull that off?

(Insensitivity, a four-eyed demon stands up to answer the chief. He speaks…)

“My lord, I cannot take all the credit for that one o. Uncle Femi is a phenomenal man. He is simply a man who loves to see the positive side of everything. When his boys told him not to air the documentary, I just whispered to him: ‘your boys complain too much; in fact if they mistakenly find themselves in Heaven, they would even complain against God’. That was all I said, Uncle Femi did the rest.”

“In fact, it will be harder to convince governor Rochas to build a statue of George Weah than to get Uncle Femi to see the bad side of things.”

(Insensitivity takes a bow and sits. The chief continues…)

“We should send Maina’s golden gate to Mallami for a job well done. And perhaps send a beautiful whistle-blowing tip to Prof Sirkay, who added colour to our 2017.”

“A round of applause for you all. It was a remarkable year. Let us celebrate.”

(The demons turn up with irrational laughter, drumming, dancing, and drinking to a great 2017)

Demons review plans for 2018

(The chief calls for calm, as demons get seated for planning the new year. Chief speaks…)

“We need to plan; our vision for 2018 must be brighter and more daring that what we saw for 2017. We must excel, break records, and set landmarks, never seen in the history of this nation. So the floor is open, make your suggestions for the year.”

(Deception stands up and laughs continually for 18 minutes, as other demons join the laughter parade like drunk men. He stops abruptly and begins to speak)

“2018 is my year! As it is the last year before another general election, it is my time to shine. As it is my culture every year before an election, I would put a lying tongue in the mouth of almost everyone in the Villa. With this, I would effectively put the president in a bubble, detached from reality.

“I have started my work; as you must have noticed in the president’s speech on January 1. I put a lying tongue in the mouth of his speech writers to blame Nigerians for fuel scarcity, when in fact, it is an increase in global price of petrol, coupled with poor policies, and his lack of investment in local refining, that is causing this particular scarcity.

“With the remarkable patience Nigerians displayed in 2017, I made the president blame them for being so impatient.

“I would ensure that some young minds in this half of the villa tell other youths on social media that the president is the best thing that has happened in Nigeria after Jollof rice. I so submit.”

(The demons give deception a round of applause as political prostitution takes the stage)

“My lord, you know this is my time to shine too. I plan to find a way to the hearts of every politician that steps into the villa. This year, I will unveil my pet project called ‘cross-carpeting’. I have tried out my wand on Atikulate and Obanikoroad, and it worked just fine.

“I am planning on getting Tinuboot and Sir Raki to move, but both men are proving to be very stubborn. My lord, I shall try harder and bring you update by the time we meet again in February.”

(The Chief takes over…)

“Thank you for your brilliant contributions. I am afraid we have to halt the meeting for now; If all is well, the first Federal Executive Council meeting should be on, and we must attend to inspire some havoc.

“As we go, I want us to think really hard on why Nigerians say there are no demons in the Villa, when dead people are appointed as board chairmen. Personally, I think we have been operating too much in the background, let’s work harder to make it to the next list of appointees.

“Meeting adjourned.”

(They all rise as the chief leads the procession out of the hall).

The story never ends…

Reach Tijani across major social media platforms @OluwamayowaTJ