TheCable

Before you read any further, I ask for your forgiveness in advance in case you think the above headline is too unwieldy. I think that, consciously or subconsciously, I may have been aiming to replicate the kind of crazy titles I have been seeing on Youtube which is the reason for this write-up. Have you seen the titles of some Nigerian films on Youtube? Unfortunately, there are many who don’t know that (sometimes) these titles which the authors must obviously consider catchy, aren’t the real titles of the films. I tried convincing a friend who was so certain these were the actual titles. As if we don’t have enough issues with our films, now we have to deal with laughable titles.

Let me take a step back as I clarify some facts. The first thing is that there are different categories of film channels on Youtube. Not every channel is run by professionals or run professionally. There are those channels that are owned by filmmakers, film companies and there are some managed by professionals for other people. These types have a certain ‘corporateness’ about them and the kind of films on display usually have regular sounding titles. I mean if you visit Tunde Kelani’s Youtube channel, you’ll see his films like “Saworoide” I & 2; “Arugba,” “Koseegbe,” and a few others. The other day, I checked out Blessing Effiom Egbe’s channel-B’Concept Network Productions and watched “A Dinner Date With X.” Also saw the Uche Nancy-produced “Dead Without Money,” which one of my daughters says is her ‘best’ film (a story for another day). However, the ‘corporate’ kinds of channels are not the focus of this write-up. I’m talking about those channels where supposed film titles sound like long-winded sentences, long on descriptiveness but short on elegance. Perhaps, these people have access to intel or polling the rest of us don’t know about which has convinced them that these kinds of titles draw traffic.

Here are a few samples complete with mistakes from the Top Love TV channel: “I didn’t Know D Boy I Hired As A Driver is a Billionaire Pretending…,” “I Met Him on My Way From Jogging But I Never Knew He Was This Caring Until He visited-Nigeria Movies.” From K.O.J TV: “How A Dirty Fruit Seller Wn D Heart Of D Rich Prince Who Came 2D Village In Search Of Love-Nigeria,” “She Rejected Him Thinking He Is A Poor Palmwine Tapper, Not Knowing He Is A Disguised Billionaire,” The Rich Prince Was Only Acting As A Poor Village PalmWine Tapper Just To Find True Love Nigerian,” and “A Billionair Princess Disguis As A Poor Forsaken Homeless Orphan In Search Of Who Would Truly Love Her.”

The one thing that comes through these titles is how the writers look down on honest hardworking people. Words like ‘common driver,’ ‘stinking teacher,’ are often added to titles. Then, of course, people are no longer millionaires but billionaires. If one didn’t know any better, one would think that Nigeria is overflowing with undercover billionaires everywhere one turns.  And for some reason, these billionaires live in garishly furnished houses with the most uncomfortable sets of furniture you’d ever see.

In quite a few of these films, women are seriously objectified: They’re often shot from the ground up like the camera person wants to ride inside their skirts. This often means that you’re going to get the inexplicable close-up on a woman’s buttocks. The storylines can be equally as unedifying for women: Few women are ever gainfully employed or even self-employed. More often than not, they’re planning some hare-brained schemes on how to get money out of supposedly rich men. Last week, I wrote about the movie “Slay” where intelligent and resourceful women were only trying to get men who’d buy them drinks and nothing much else as far as I could see. They didn’t even have cars as they were made to go through one undignifying episode to another in their dated wigs.

And what’s with the Hungry-Man-type food served in most of these films? I know I may have been influenced by the food in Korean drama. Even for seemingly ordinary people, there’s usually a colourful spread. I’m not under any illusion that what these Korean films and drama series show is how typical Koreans eat but the food is surely a spectacle that feeds the eyes. Watching “I Met Him on My Way From Jogging But I Never Knew He Was This Caring Until He visited,” and seeing two women fighting over the ubiquitous party jollof rice. The rice was so colourless and looked “hungry” if food could be hungry!  I can’t recall the last time I saw anyone eating food other than rice in our films. How hard is it to cook any of our wide variety of Nigerian soups? Apart from the fact that our food doesn’t get enough exposure, even imagine the visual spectacle our foods can create.

For today, my main issue is with these Youtube titles. Perhaps, when I can arrange my thoughts, I’ll talk about the storylines of these Nigerian films on Youtube. I’ve just seen “I Need A Wife,” starring Wole Ojo and Chinenye Nnebe who appear in a sizeable number of films. A guy rapes Adanma (Chinenye Nnebe) who just happened to be a virgin. At no point does the issue of his rape go towards seeking a legal remedy. Instead, the man is telling everyone who cares to listen about his love for Adanma, how he can’t live without her, bla, bla, Surprisingly, she’s the first to forgive him. Anyway, no one else was actually bothered except for lover boy Kelvin (Wole Ojo). So, I have to conclude by asking again: Who’s writing all this rubbish?

Onoshe Nwabuikwu, AIRTIME columnist is a renowned TV/Film critic, and Film scholar. She also has experience in Advertising as a senior Copywriter and Corporate Communications as Communications consultant.