The private citizen who belongs to everybody

August 11

05:37 2017

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“Hello, Commander-in-Chief, when are you going home?”

“My sister, I told my people soon so that they will stop to poke their noses into my life. Nigerians want to know everything in Aso villa and the other room. They just don’t understand the word privacy.”

“But you said you belong to everybody, you belong to all.”

“It was an overzealous speech I made that day. I bowed to political pressure from people like the Burdillon man and El-kanemi of Kaduna so that people will stop looking at my background as a ruthless military man. You know the phrase, political correctness. The speech was given to me by politicians to make everyone feel important and happy.”

“So what has changed?”

“This long vacation has changed everything. I love it here. You have roads, you have electricity, you have hospitals, you have food. Now, I belong to you.”

“But all these agitation about resume or resign is not making me comfortable as your host.”

“Ahhhhh, Madam you worry too much, don’t you know my people, they like to shout. There’s no anger in that shouting. That’s how we do it since you people left us to ourselves in 1960.”

“Then I heard that you’re a private citizen. Is that true?”

“My sister, that girl called Laurry is doing a fantastic job of Squealer in the animal farm. Laurry can turn white into black. May God bless the soul of George Orwell. He has written what is coming to pass now many decades ago.”

“Madam, let’s talk about my strategy of continued stay here so that the Asiwaju boy, the professor, can continue to do the job and I get the credit. It’s my government not his own. I cannot come and die. Do you think I can go to the Niger-Delta the way he’s doing. I’m not even popular among my people again.”

“But you cannot be a remote control president. Besides, our parliament is not happy that you continue to be here. They are now looking into your record to be sure you are not using our benefits.”

“Ahhhhh! That is an insult. If you know how much Nigeria is paying to your economy on this vacation, despite that our country is in recession, you will say continue, continue my brother.”

“Mr. President don’t be angry, British people are very frugal with resources, so they have the right to check, if you are taking our benefits since you’re not qualified for it.”

“I’m not angry, but it is unfair that they will not come to see me here, take photos, and wish me a continued stay the way Asiwaju, Bukky, Dogara, Amosun, Oyegun, Akande and my governors have done.”

“Haa! You’re carrying your luck too far Mr. President. These MPs are serious people. Besides, you didn’t even tell us what sickness kept you here since the beginning of the New Year.”

“Madam Mary, Look, don’t ask that question again. You’re getting on my nerve. It is not your fault. It is the fault of that Abeokuta man called Baba. He frustrated me from becoming the president when I had enough energy to carry through. Three times I wept, Baba laughed. He has not even come to see me here. He’s probably thinking I will not make it back so that his kinsman can become president. But my people are watching.”

“Your people, you mean Nigerians?”

“In Nigeria, when you say my people, you’re referring to ethnicity. I trust that boy in Kaduna, he’s intelligent enough to frustrate the plan of the southerners.”

“So you want to be as old as Mugabe of Zimbabwe in power?”

“What concerns you? Nigerians deserve what they get, Zimbabweans deserve what they get, and Britons deserve what they get.”

“Wow, Mr. President I like your closing statement, but shouldn’t Nigerians learn from Britain about elections and governance? I don’t need your answer to this, but when are you going home. Her majesty, the Queen is no longer at ease with your stay.”