Religion, culture and the plague of domestic violence
Since he granted an interview to The PUNCH from his hideout on Monday, Mr Lekan Shonde, who is alleged to have murdered his wife, Ronke, in Nigeria’s latest domestic violence turned fatal episode, has succeeded in garnering appreciable public consideration.
He has given his dead wife away as a shameless adulterer, who after the act, came to relive the salacious experience in her matrimonial home. He has vended himself as a caring husband, who took care of the personal effects of his wife, provided for her needs and only beat her once in a blue moon, the last time being three years before the slight push or was it hand brushing of her face on the day she died. Feel the pulse of Nigerians now, you will find so many Shonde sympathizers.
But there is one point that I struggle to understand. The misunderstanding that led to the couple’s last fight, did it result from the alleged sexual escapade of the late wife or her alleged presumptuous expenditure?
That is one of many inconsistencies that I find in Mr. Shonde’s attempts to recall events of last Thursday and Friday. But such details do not always get our attention as we engage in our usual emotional expositions and draw hasty conclusions; the same impetuosity is at the root of a substantial part of our troubles.
While domestic violence is a global problem, it has literarily taken residence in Africa with endless story of pains and sorrow following it. It has become an intractable challenge, most likely to end or permanently damage the lives of victims and sometimes, their children.
In the aftermath of this last incident, questions have arisen on the role of religious institutions in the perpetuation of violent acts in the home. It is said that the persuasive authority of the clergy is employed to encourage women in abusive relationships live it out, evidently because we think women should be found in the place of patience and longsuffering.
It is impossible to dismiss such postulations.
A friend recently told me of the story of a Pastor who, matter-of- factly, told a parishioner to leave her abusive husband, even to the surprise of his counselee. Sensing the surprise of the lady, he opened up on how he arrived a point at which he chose not to ever advise women suffering from domestic violence to remain with their abusers after he saw a church member lose her life in his presence.
The unfortunate lady had complained about the situation in her home repeatedly but he counseled that her husband would change. Not seeing the lady in church one Sunday, he decided to visit the couple at home in the evening. To his eternal shock, as he drove into the compound where they lived, he saw a human body flying about in the air like a bird that just lost its wings. This body landed on the floor within seconds and it was the woman he had encouraged to endure her miserable marriage who just got thrown off the balcony by her demonic spouse. He repented of his lack of empathy on that day and subsequently speedily recommended that women flee for their lives whenever violence becomes a part of their marriages.
But is the clergy really the devil in the circumstance? Although, I am mindful of arguments that religious ideas are part of the cultural heritage of a people, I would disentangle these related phenomena on a range of issues involving the management of relationships and situations by Africans
While it can be said that the religious beliefs of a people are an integral part of their culture, the embracement of Islam and Christianity has done everything but wean us off some of the cultural practices that our forebears were involved in before the advent of these two acquired religions.
For example, I do not recall anywhere in the Bible where husbands got the authority to treat their wives like they were some foot mat or punching bags. Adherents of the patriarchal essence of our culture find a convenient spot in the in Book of Ephesians passage that says: “…Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church… But the same Scripture admonishes that: “husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” So, the husband is just a servant leader here!
Concerning Islam, the recent eye- opening intervention of former Minister of Youth Development and Sports, Bolaji Abdullahi, on the gender equality bill is deserving of reference. He wrote inter alia: “On violence against women, the Qur’an states in 4:128, ‘if a wife fears high-handedness or alienation from her husband, neither of them will be blamed if they come to a peaceful settlement, for peace is best.’ On the holy book’s prescription of mutual consent between couples on some issues, he informed : “…The notion of ‘mutual consent and consultation’ here implies equality between the couple, as there would be no need for consultation and consent if the God intended the relationship to be that of subordination…”
I suggest, therefore that most of the gender discrimination attributed to religion, actually come out of the muddling up that has occurred between the adopted religions and our cultural heritage, which we have refused to part.
It is in this society that the idea of dowry and bride price promote the proprietary complex of men over women and girls. It is in this society that the family structure is pervaded with the gender prejudice of the preference of boys over girl- children. This is why girls are exposed to fewer educational opportunities. It is in this society that we bring up boys puffing the air of superiority into them, while we train girls to believe that they are good for nothing other than tending the stomach and making the bed of men, sometimes the age of their grandfathers. So boys become men who would lord it over their women while women grow timid and unsure of themselves. This is the part of the world where we say women must continue to suffer just to avoid the stigma that we attach to separation and divorce.
Even as I suggest that none of the major religions that we practise in Nigeria seem to encourage the subjection of women, I do not excuse clerics who are unable to divorce themselves from the repugnancy of some of our cultural practices. Sometimes, I imagine how disappointed our forebears would be at the stagnancy of our ethos and our inability to recalibrate.
No wonder, we have remained backward. Countries interested in development understand the importance of having all hands on deck irrespective of gender and have progressively moved toward gender parity and the reduction of the vulnerability of women and girls.
Smart countries now understand the effectiveness of women in the improvement of their economic outlook and preparing for the not-yet- discernable challenges of the future. I think now is the time for Nigeria to jump on the train of change.
We should insist that our girl- children must be educated alongside their male counterparts. We need to bring up our children to see themselves as equals. We should train our boys to see girls as equal and make them understand that domestic violence is not only criminal but sub-human.
Parents and family members of women suffering from violence at home must desist from sending them back into homes where they have no peace either to avoid stigma or save their children. We must remember that only the living have a dignity to guard and children to rear.
In addition to educating girls, which should prepare them for future challenges, this society must brace up for institutional support for women who want to remain alive and leave their husband. An essential strength of this country is its demographic advantage; gender disparity is one evil that would slow down Nigeria’s development.
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I don’t seem to agree with the writer that gender equality is the answer. We tend to over-follow the west in their mistakes. God has created the male different from the female. He has made the male the head and not equals of the female. Both the Bible and any other culture states this clearly. Our Nigerian culture upholds this. Whenever we deviate from natural order, we end up in chaos. If the woman is submissive at home, and never rub shoulders with their husbands a lot of these problems will not come up. Even if a person is a mad man, if the other party is cordial and good behaving, his brain will adjust to peaceful life. All the cases we have seen has always suggested that the women involved are not submissive or well behaved. The campaign for gender equality will cause more havoc in the society. The women in their bid to exhibit their equality always go overboard. We see them even in traffic on the road how they express their lack of respect for other road users even when two women are involved. The maturity of a man is higher than that of a woman of same age. Boys are not brought up to be leaders, it is an innate consciousness, it is in the male nature. Whatever we like to believe we cannot force a gourd to stay under water, it will always rise up. Any attempt to relegate the authority of a man will always end up in the kind of results we see. In the USA. only about 20% of their marriages last beyond a year. Wrong policies will always end in failure. I am a man, married for twenty years, it has been a twenty years of endurance, patience self denial and longsuffering. In those 20 years I have quarrelled with my wife about three times. There had been time I would wish I never married, I have had to learn to take serious provocative insults, I have endured intimidation, disrespect, dishonesty, disloyalty, insults on my extended family, denial of pleasure and many more. Men are built to stomach much pressure, it is when the tank of endurance is overfilled that it blows out into violence.
My advise is that a woman should realise that she is a wife and must be committed to remain so. She can never take the position of a boss over her husband. The bible recommends that women should keep silent. The scripture cannot be wrong. The assumption that women are not given educational opportunities is very wrong. Apart from my Masters degree days at school, girls are always more than boys in any school where I studied or visit. A visit to any mixed school can prove this at any level apart from exceptional cases of schools of technology and science which may not be attractive to women. There is equal opportunities for children at home. Fathers love their daughters than boys, because they are tender unlike boys that could be stubborn or troublesome. Culturally we may say yes emphasis may be on the boy because he bears the family name while the girl is sold out to another family, but parents are now realising that the girl child have more empathy for the parents than the boys. Most parents in contemporary time, invest equally on both sexes. They know the girls will care more for them when they become old than the boys who are busy with their wives and in-laws. My in-laws collect more from me than my mother. My younger sister visits and give more attention to my mother than me. We need to educate our women, the African culture seems to be the best in dealing with women issues, what our forefathers laid down as cultural practice on women were established after many years of experience with women, we cannot be smarter than those old folks who manage up to 10 wives and many children in their days. They understood the nature of women than us.