TheCable

The wait is over. The presidential primaries of Nigeria’s ruling party, All Progressives Congress, APC, finally held from June 6^th culminating in the emergence of the party’s presidential candidate. The voting and counting was dragging on for so long I couldn’t wait. Before Tuesday’s outcome so much was said. I stopped paying attention at some point because nothing was sure until the very last minute.

For this piece, I’ll focus on the convention which I watched live on Channels TV via their app on Roku TV (so I was behind by some minutes). It was relatively easier to stay up for the convention since Nigeria is ahead of my location by 5 hours although I didn’t join from the beginning. Still, it took some commitment to stay on the convention. I joined in as Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu was rounding up his speech. At the mention of “expat-ice,” I immediately changed channels. This I did intermittently. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to listen to the aspirants as the winner wasn’t going to be picked because of a brilliant speech or how good his plans for Nigeria were.

Which doesn’t mean there weren’t some NFAs or NFites or what we used to call back in the day ‘bobo masters’ (bobo can mean a lie, con, or an attempt to sell/promote something that’s obviously fake or false). NFA means No Future Ambition.

Now let’s look at some of the aspirants who spoke. As I said, I only caught the end of Tinubu’s speech but even the bit I saw sounded disjointed, very far from the wonderful speech he gave in Abeokuta in Yoruba. Not so much for the content but for Tinubu’s lucidity and confidence. When next I returned, Cross River governor, Prof. Ben Ayade was passionately appealing to the delegates’ conscience. This was after reeling out the number of factories he’s built in his state. I haven’t been to Cross River in a long time but reports from the state are that Ayade with his verbose Igodomigodo-ic grammar, has managed to plunge the state down the ladder with crime and garbage growing at an alarming rate. That the era, where Calabar, the state capital was known as the cleanest in Nigeria, where tourism thrived and farmers were smiling to the bank, has been ended by Ayade. But of course, he wants to replicate all that at the national level. Come to think of it, it’s not worse than all the aspirants who praised President Buhari to high heavens and promised to continue where he stopped.

After Ayade, or the next person I met speaking, was Ebonyi governor David Umahi. I doubt anyone took him seriously considering the stories before the primaries. Anyhow, the man appeared to praise Buhari more than the other aspirants. A serious contender with real solutions wouldn’t waste that much time singing Buhari’s praises. And by the time he got round to praising Buhari for being the first to organise presidential primaries or words to that effect, I was out. I joined again around 10-20 pm-ish (Nigerian time) when Ibikunle Amosun was talking about how Nigeria was the giant of Africa, giant of Africa my foot. Amosun also went on to eulogise Buhari and how well he has built Nigeria’s infrastructure but ‘if not for this insecurity’ or words to that effect. Who’s in charge of security? Who’s the commander-in-chief? I suppose it’s my father Hon. F.S Uduzeli who’s in charge of Nigeria’s security and the commander-in-chief, from his grave. Well, I left Amosun while he was still talking…

Expectedly, other aspirants came on to speak. What’s really the point of these speeches when everyone knows that money, hard US dollars, is the name of the game? Former Imo State governor, Rochas Okorocha came on but I didn’t listen to him. For one, I couldn’t get the video of him crawling on the floor of his living room frantically praying, out of my mind. His house was being invaded by agents of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC.

They’d accused Rochas of not honouring their many invitations. Kogi State Governor Yahaya Bello came on to talk about his giant strides in Kogi. My village is close to Kogi State. Let’s just say that last August when I drove through Kogi I didn’t notice any changes which are not to say the governor is lying. I’m also sure that the reports of non-payment of salaries in his state, etc are all false. Then there was Chibuike Rotimi Amaechi, the minister of transport, the one under whose supervision falls the March 28, 2022 kidnap of Abuja-Kaduna train passengers. They’re still with their abductors by the way. Amaechi regaled his audience with stories of how all the positions he’s been appointed or elected to, he’s done two terms. This is supposed to prove how well he has done. So well that President Buhari made him his campaign director twice and reappointed him a minister. Never mind that everyone knows you almost have to be dead before being fired from this government.

In any case, a point I should’ve made before now, that’s if it’s not obvious, that Nigeria is not a real country. Otherwise, with all the carnage and poverty that has enveloped Nigeria, you’d think the ruling party would be a little worried about their chances in next year’s elections. In Nigerianese: For where? Instead, people like Tinubu are boasting about bringing Buhari to power while people like vice-president Yemi Osinbajo are vowing to continue where Buhari stops. I didn’t wait to listen to senate president Ahmed Lawan’s speech, though.

Still on speeches, if that were all the delegates needed, Tein Jack-Rich who spoke about his life as an orphan, and how he made a success of himself as an agent of international development with projects around Nigeria would’ve been a winner. Former Abia State governor, Orji Ogbonnaya Onu, who’s also been the minister of science and technology (wanted Nigeria to manufacture pencils) tried his darndest to remind his party to honour the ‘justice’ that’s part of their slogan by giving the presidential ticket to an aspirant from the South-East. He reminded them that the South-West has had 8 years through Obasanjo, and now has vice-president and house of reps speaker.

But Jagaban Tinubu says it’s the turn of the Yorubas and like the folkloric tale of the tortoise who became ‘All of you,’ to get all the benefits for his friends, Tinubu says it’s his turn. Pastor Tunde Bakare unsurprisingly gave a rousing speech. However, I find it difficult to separate people’s previous actions from their convention speeches. Pastor Bakare appeared to have lost his pre-2015 activism when he was active in the Save Nigeria group and had a lot to say about governance in the country.

Comedian Ali Baba wasn’t at the convention venue. I missed some performances so I can’t be sure but there were certainly some aspirants who sounded like they’d paid 100 million naira for a chance to make people laugh. And if there were any prizes, they would go to Ikeobasi Mokelu who wanted to “extend Buharism” Uju Kennedy Ohanenye, the only woman in the race, who suddenly realised on the D-day and had a brain wave that women weren’t yet ready for the presidency. She stepped down for Tinubu. Mokelu spent the better part of his speech extolling Buhari’s virtues, about things I’m sure Buhari himself may not be able to vouch for. Things like ‘Buhari has never lied or Buhari doesn’t tell lies.’ ‘Buhari has only 2 houses, in Kaduna and Daura.’ All that to say he has the same qualities and voting for him was their last chance to replicate Buhari and of course, extend Buharism. Why not? Why shouldn’t Nigeria extend its run as the poverty capital of the world? What’s not to love?

This is getting rather heavy, and depressing and I feel like ending with ‘second base, jare.’ But I must mention Babachir Lawal who was interviewed by Channels TV’s Seun and colleague. Babachir who was appointed secretary to the government by President Buhari (2015-2017) became famous or infamous for claiming he’d spent over 500 million naira to cut grass in the IDP (Internally Displaced Persons) camps or something like that. After much foot-dragging, Babachir was eventually relieved of his position as SGF but he was never really out of the corridors of power. It also turns out that he along with James Faleke, a house of reps member, reportedly picked the 100 million naira form for Tinubu. Not that Asiwaju is a saint but he surely doesn’t mind being associated with the Babachirs of this world.

Finally, the APC presidential primaries weren’t well-organised. The stage was crammed with performers running into those seated at one end of the stage. Kannywood actor and musical performer Sani Danja wasn’t too free to dance across the podium. The voting itself wasn’t that neat either. Announcements (upon announcements) kept being made for those with no business to clear from the voting area but for where? Come to think of it, APC organising a well-run presidential primary would actually have been surprising.