BY Guest Writer
BY MAYOR IKOROHA
“Uncle Lai, I heard that Atiku has chosen Peter Obi as his running mate. Few days ago it was Obasanjo swallowing his vomit, doing the unthinkable by endorsing Atiku as president. Now it is Peter Obi being chosen by Atiku as vice presidential candidate of the PDP. The social media space is agog with positive news for PDP and Atiku. There is fire on the mountain.”
“I saw those coming. I know Atiku will choose Peter Obi. But we shall respond accordingly. You don’t need to worry.”
“I am worried oooo. We have been searching for dirt on Peter Obi since we saw him take a picture with Saraki at the PDP convention. We can’t find anything. The man is like a saint.”
“It seems you are losing your mind, Lauretta. You can’t do a simple job thoroughly.”
“How do you mean? We searched his name on the internet. We called people who worked with him. We can’t find any negative thing.”
“I thought you are a good Christian.”
“Yes, I am. What makes you think otherwise?”
“A good Christian woman reads her bible. And if you have read your bible you would remember that the Apostle Peter betrayed Jesus Christ three times. How would a person who adopted the name of such a treacherous biblical character be allowed to be the vice president of Nigeria?”
“Uncle Lai, this one may not fly. There is a reason why people still name their sons Peter in spite of that lone transgression. Saint Peter is generally regarded positively by Christians.”
“Okay, let’s leave the spiritual. Peter Obi claimed that he wears only one wrist watch. But this has been exposed as a lie. Can’t you splash his pictures with him wearing different wrist watches all over the place and show people that he is a fraud?”
“You have a point.”
“And Governor Obiano mercilessly trounced his acolyte during the last Anambra Governorship Elections. APC performed better than them. That means he does not have much electoral value. And you are telling me that you can’t find anything negative on Peter Obi?”
“You have a point. But I don’t think these would stick. His nomination seems a game changer. It may drive voter enthusiasm in the South East and all over the country where the Igbos reside. I am not sure we would get up to one percent of Igbo votes.”
“APC members of Igbo extraction should get to work. Rochas Okorocha is the leader of APC in the South East. He should get other prominent APC members, especially those in government to deliver their constituencies for President Buhari next year.”
“Rochas Okorocha? Haba! If you mention his name in the South East, everyone will shout Iberiberism.”
“What is Iberiberism?”
“It is a special term with no appropriate English translation. Extreme foolishness gets close to explaining it but would never have its impact or import. The same way Rochas as a name has no meaning but has not become a byword for tomfoolery in governance.”
“The man used to be an intelligent and articulate man. What happened to him?”
“Uncle Lai, I don’t know oooo. These days in the South East, Rochas is generally regarded as a pompous, massively corrupt clown in cahoots with the Hausa/Fulani Oligarchy. People say he is trying to get his son in-law to succeed him so as to cover his heinous deeds.”
“That man is a huge minus for APC. From erecting statues of spurious characters to creating a Ministry for Happiness with his blood sister as commissioner to trying to foist his son in-law on the state. I can’t understand how he is still chairman of APC Governors’ Forum.”
“He is really a tragedy for our great party.”
“But even if Peter Obi is an untouchable saint, and the South East is a hopeless case, that does not mean we will not win next year. President Buhari won in 2015 without South East votes. So maybe we should just concentrate on Atiku. He is a soft target.”
“We are still working on Atiku. We channeled all our energy on Saraki but when Wike got the PDP convention to be held in Port Harcourt we focused on Tambuwal. We were even preparing for a party in event he gets the ticket as we know he has little electoral strength in the north. We didn’t quite foresee this Atiku thing.”
“Now they have chosen him, you and your team should get to work. Lay much emphasis on the fact that he can’t travel to America. Let the whole country know that he has serious integrity issues. You can push the narrative that a presidential debate for the two candidates of the leading political parties should be held in the US.”
“That would be too risky. I heard Obasanjo is working on getting the US to drop whatever they have on Atiku. What if he succeeds and the debate is fixed in the US? Can you imagine President Buhari in a presidential debate?”
“There won’t be any problem. A day to the date of the debate the president would just travel to London for medical treatment and send Osibanjo to represent him. Everybody knows that the president gets sick from time to time and travels regularly to London for treatment.”
“I am not buying that narrative. We shall continue to emphasize the fact that Atiku can’t travel to the US. But we shall downplay anything regarding presidential debate at this time. It gives me nightmares to imagine the president on the debate stage.”
“Why are you having unnecessary nightmares? I saw something on the internet where someone argued that the president is more educated than Atiku. Many courses President Buhari attended outside the country throughout his military career were stated. This is the kind of narrative you should be pushing.”
“Uncle Lai, please let’s not bring up any issue regarding the president and education at this period. You want to resurrect the president’s school certificate saga?”
“So you believe that the president has no school certificate?”
“If he has, why did he hire more than 20 Senior Advocates of Nigeria to argue the case for him in court? Please I do not want to sound like our opponents. Let us let the sleeping dog lie for now.”
“Remind Nigerians that Atiku has always been corrupt. Get his PTDF issue to start trending on social media. Make Nigerians wonder how Atiku made so much money as a customs officer. How can he establish so many businesses without dipping his hands into public funds?”
“Uncle Lai, I suggest we keep away from Atiku’s businesses. Many of his minions believe that he has good business acumen that made him to run many successful business. They think it would make him a good economic manager. This is in contrast to President Buhari who is said to have always had 150 cows since time immemorial. People are insinuating that the president’s cows are gay cows.”
“Gay cows? How?”
“They never increase. Meaning they are likely of the same sex thus though they may copulate, they can’t procreate. By the way, I had a terrible experience with my Goddaughter yesterday.”
“What happened?”
“The girl is just 14 years but has keen interest in politics. She referred me to those 14 questions Atiku campaign posed for us. I couldn’t really answer them. I just told her that I was tired from work. She said she would repeat the questions today. I am really scared. I don’t know why.”
“Lauretta, you are gradually losing it. At a time I thought you have fully taken the gauntlet from me. But I just discovered that you still have a lot to learn. Now let’s go through the so-called questions.”
“They asked us to name one project we initiated, started and completed in the past three and half years.”
“The administration initiated, started and completed a helipad in Daura, Katsina State, Nigeria.”
“Really?”
“Sure. Is that one not a project? They asked for a project initiated, started and completed. And we have shown them a project that meets all those criteria. Period!”
“Hmmm. They asked us to name a youth in the president’s cabinet.”
“Clearing the rot left by PDP requires age and experience. You don’t use a thirty-year old person to solve a problem that has festered for 16 years. Both President Buhari and Atiku are septuagenarians. If they are so interested in youth, why didn’t they chose Tambuwal or Dankwanbo?”
“One campaign promise President Buhari has kept?”
“We promised to defeat Boko Haram and we have technically defeated Boko Haram. That is a big campaign promise kept.”
“But Boko Haram are still killing and maiming our soldiers and civilians.”
“I said ‘technically defeated’. ‘Technical’ is the operative word here. Boko Haram terrorists were occupying 14 Local Government Areas before the president took office. Now they occupy none. They have been technically defeated.”
“Okay oooo. The next question is that we should name one southerner currently heading a National Intelligence Agency.”
“The president is a retired General who has a complete grasp of security issues. Headship of National Intelligence Agencies is a security matter. It should not be subjugated to politics, ethnicity or rotation. Next question please.”
“Name one terrorist, arrested, tried and imprisoned since this administration came to power?”
“Another security issue. Terrorism is a serious security matter. Even countries like the US has a secret facility at Guantanamo Bay where they imprison terrorists without trial. There is never a full public disclosure regarding arrests, trials and imprisonment of terrorists.”
“They asked for one current government official that has been arrested, tried, convicted and imprisoned over many budget padding scandals.”
“Do you arrest and imprison someone who didn’t do anything wrong? They were criticizing the president for taking six months to name his cabinet not knowing that he was taking his time to look for people of proven integrity.”
“Uncle Lai, the public may not buy this one. They will say that after taking so much time, the president still ended up with the likes of Aunty Kemi and Uncle Shittu.”
“Kemi did no wrong. Those that procured the fake NYSC Exemption Certificate for her were those that deceived her. They committed felony. We are making efforts to bring them to justice. I believe that these criminals that put Kemi in trouble were working for PDP. You know that she spent most of her life in the UK and does not understand Nigerian politics. As for Shittu, we are still looking at his case.”
“Name one former president or Head of State that President Buhari has not blamed for the precarious state of the economy?”
“Has anyone ever heard the president mention Tafawa Balewa, Aguiyi Ironsi, Yakubu Gowon, Murtala Muhammed or Shehu Shagari? The guilty are simply afraid.”
“They asked for the initiatives the government has put in place to address the persistent poverty that pervades that land.”
“This has the easiest answer. School feeding programme. Tradermoni. Chikena!.”
“The real owners of the Ikoyi Apartment billions?”
“It involves the National Intelligence Agency. It is a security issue. My dear, leave Atiku and PDP’s useless questions. Your duty is to accentuate our positives. Drive the narrative that President Buhari has beaten Atiku in every contest they have entered together. As it has happened in the past, so it will happen next year. Atiku is a serial loser.”
“Uncle Lai, I am afraid of using that term. That was what they called President Buhari until he floored them in 2015. I am afraid that history may repeat itself.”
“Suit yourself. I am not afraid. We must win this election Insha Allah. By the way, if every other strategy fails, we shall call on Malam Kyari. He used to have Ibrahim Magu’s number on his favourites and speed dialing list. He has recently replaced it with that of Yakubu. Kyari is very proactive.”
“Who is Yakubu?”
“The INEC Chairman. My dear Lauretta, you are still a learner.”
Mayor Ikoroha is an author and public affairs analyst. He is on twitter as @tellthemayor
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