Trump’s fatwa and Nigeria’s theatre of the absurd

BY ARIWOOLA SAMUEL AKINWALE

This week revelled in the Nigerian character. President Trump of the United States announced through his Twitter handle the impending invasion of Nigeria to douse the sparks of war now making a mess of that ‘disgraced country’. The reactions of Nigerians were both telling and revealing of the fractured layers of the country and the character of their public sentiments. It was an interesting week, carrying subtle humour, anxiety, courage, patriotism, suspicion, and doubt in many minds amidst the situation.

In this satire, I capture the intricate nature of our nationhood, ethnic sentiments, patriotism, and fragile nationhood as expressed in the course of the week through the media and public places.

The first category was the internet users. Netizens expressed that creativity well known to the Nigerian man through memes, podcasts, music, and dance, deploying satire, irony, and paradox of the situation—not to mention the hidden humour and questions in such expressions. One particularly struck a chord in a chilling scenic cartoon. President Trump was seen poking embers of fire held through a nozzle to the fronds of Nigerian President Asiwaju in a macabre race. The latter in turn took a fire-blazing wood in a similar manner at the buttocks of a military general, where the general blazed a machine gun oozing with fire to the militants and terrorists. Almost like a vicious cycle taught in my economics class in those days.

The cartoonist simply curated a certain atmosphere enshrined in the Nigerian mood this week—whether it’s the trading of blame between the Nigerian government and the opposition, the Obidient and IPOB sympathisers on one hand and the APC followers on the other, there was a poking of the ethnic and tribal fire in between. Nigeria, what a country!

Somewhere, the public intellectuals were also there—there were those who dared the U.S. to attack with the promise of resistance from the people. This category exhibited the courage lacking in Aso Rock in responding to this matter; this group portrayed that braggadocio and loudness typical of Nigeria. One former minister of aviation even promised to lead the war in resistance. I laugh in Spanish!

Never lacking in creativity and imagination, another category entertained us on public policy, diplomacy, and creative ways to manage the situation. With different speculations on the motive of our oppressor or sympathiser (depending on your camp), none could tell the ulterior reasons of our friend from the global north. Nigerians, who did this to you?

One question got the attention of clerics, Christians, Muslims, and pagans amongst us—Is there a Christian genocide going on in Nigeria as insinuated by our friend? The answer to this also depends on who you’re listening to—their religion, ethnicity, and political affiliation are clues to where they belong. Nigerians, I fear you!

I had believed the presidency’s rebuttal of Trump’s claim of Christian genocide, until Alhaji Lai Mohammed’s video of 2023 resurfaced, confirming our government’s cluelessness on this matter, like many of us. In that clip, he was seen explaining the tricks of our enemies circa 2023. Here was Minister Lai admitting Christian genocide. He hinted on the terrorists’ tactics of attacking Christian communities, confounding the nature of the war we now deal with. Another writer cited the case of Malam Abdullahi Abubakar, the Islamic cleric who saved over 200 Christians in his mosque from being killed by terrorists. For your sanity, I advise you look less, say less, lest you fall into confusion-depression.

I am particularly interested in that new designation. I mean, with the current unemployment rate, number of children out of school, poverty level, debt profile, and cost of living, why anyone would think Nigeria is not a “Country of Concern” cringes my imagination. Nothing can be more befitting than that title. Even if the Headmaster in the White House is not right for insinuating that Christians face “existential threat” from terror groups and should be designated as such. Albeit, the country is a place of concern, looking at her report card in the above areas mentioned—a serious concern.

President Trump, sensing that his earlier threat landed well, issued another fatwa just before the week ended—reiterating his instructions to the U.S. army to be prepared. 31 lawmakers in Congress endorsed it. This is a time when the caustic tongue of Malam el-Rufai would have served the APC well; they were not prescient enough for times like this. Trump would have met his match, rather than this gnawing silence that the presidency fell under. Exactly what the host of President Tinubu was telling him at the Olubadan Coronation through the Fuji crooner Taye Currency, where he dropped the bombshell—were lafi wo were (insanity is the antidote to madness).

This was what the president’s image makers had feared all along, particularly Reno Omokri. He had brought one Mr Rex on a fact-finding mission sometime last month to avert all of this; unfortunately, it was to his own undoing. His guests reported something else to the U. S. government. Anyway, during the week, Reno and Fani did a yeoman’s job. They brought “facts” for us to “fact-check,” Reno’s signature style of weekly assignment for followers to embark on. But trust Nigerians, their earlier posts and tweets pre-2023, when they were pro-genocide propagandists, just suddenly reappeared. One follower asked Reno on his page why he had stopped talking about Leah Sharibu. Another answered him, “In Abuja, they observe table manners; when you’re eating, you don’t talk.” Nigerians, who did this to you?

In any case, the Nigerian government, we are told, is already in talks with the White House. A classic case of Zelensky’s and Ramaphosa’s treatments came to mind—what they avoided all along has finally come to roost. The mountain has come to meet Mohammed.

Meanwhile, members of IPOB were not left out—they were seen on a march of rage, calling on Trump’s army not to delay. An interesting spectacle of myopia. Who told them that a bulldog knows his friends?

The leader of MEND, Asari Dokubo, was my man of the week. He assured Nigerians of his readiness for war, daring the U.S. to attack—an interesting episode of schizophrenia, I presume, is at work here. I suspect there’s something he and Fani Kayode are seeing that many of us can’t with our clear eyes. How else can one explain a lizard inviting a crocodile to a stage fight? It can’t be ordinary eyes! Perhaps the spirit of fresh weed.

Similarly, in the amphitheatre of the Nigerian Senate, another banger came—this time it was Senator Barau speaking on the floor of the house. He told the U.S. army to be earnest in their preparation, that Nigerians would show them this is not Gaza. Quite similar to former Minister Lai Mohammed daring Israel to invade Nigeria under the late President Buhari. Look, I think it’s high time we include periodic drug tests in the curriculum of our leaders to separate the wheat from the chaff. I am particularly disturbed that we have many Ali Babas in governmental circles.

In the midst of this, a comic relief eased the tension for many. Mazi Kanu suddenly appeared on social media (never out anyway). He was spotted in court during the hearing of his case. He had sacked his lawyers and taken up the case to defend himself. He showed up in his signature style of arrogance, pomposity, and characteristic tirade, berating the judiciary, the constitution, and everything. He added to it another layer, a replica of the typical frustration of many Nigerians. Watching him, I could only pity the man and mutter the street lingo: “Nigeria don happen to this one.”

Ariwoola Samuel Akinwale wrote this piece from Lagos. He can be contacted via [email protected]