TheCable

In other words, who died, went to newspaper heaven (or hell) and saw a vision that the best way to voice beer commercials is by someone who sounds like they have a fat frog lodged in his throat? Yes, almost all the beer commercials I can remember are done by men and women are sometimes added like props. But that’s a story for another day. The reason for this talk today is because I’ve been watching the Trophy Extra Special Band show. It’s a musical talent show for bands as the name suggests and as you can probably tell, Trophy stout is the sponsor of the show. Also, as you can imagine, I watch Trophy’s TV commercials which come on during the programme.

This particular ad features 2Baba formerly known as Tuface (Innocent Idibia) and his wife Annie Macaulay-Idibia out for dinner (?) in a restaurant. 2Baba is scanning through the menu as Annie walks in. All this while, the voice over is running: “What makes Trophy stout truly extra special? Darker for more satisfaction. Smoothness that caresses your palette (sic). It’s the rich blend of all these and more make this probably the world’s finest stout”. This is followed by a close up on a glass filled with what’s supposed to be roasted barley. The musician rises to welcome his partner and she says: “Looks like you found the extra special” (drags out the “found” and “extra special”). Male voice over goes on to conclude: “Go on, savour it today…” At the end of the ad, I’m still confused. All I’ve gleaned is that Trophy stout “is probably the world’s finest stout”. I think they’re selling themselves rather short. I don’t know how many types of stout there are but be bold and declare yourself the best or don’t bother.

And who had the bright idea to fill a glass with raw barley? Do you know how many things we eat that are not visually attractive in their original form? The difference between a chilled glass of beer and a glass full of barley makes the former look fit for human beings while the latter appears to be for chickens or whoever eats dry unhusked barley.

Which makes me repeat the question: Who says beer ads must have gruff voices? All those croaky Gulder adverts gave me a sore throat on behalf of the voice-over artists. Is it that some people think only tough men drink beer, so there’s a need to talk in a certain way? What has croaking all in the name of tough-guy got to do with good beer? There’s a certain creepiness to these voices. Whatever happened to beautiful ads like Ted Mukoro’s ‘Black tin good o!’ for Guinness Stout back in the day?

Nigeria’s federal government to spend N1.93b to monitor WhatsApp?

We’ve officially entered the realm of ‘Speech-less-ness’ under this government. We spent a few years being shocked, reacting in disbelief, rationalising, ranting, or whatever emotions floated your boat. Now, I’m ready to throw my hands up in total surrender because I’m stupefied and utterly gobsmacked or as the joke goes, I’m totally ‘flabber-whelmed and over-gasted.’ Why in the name of all that we revere is the government obsessed with repressing freedom of speech and wasting money we don’t have to chase shadows while there is a litany of pressing issues?

Security agencies can’t successfully track criminals, almost every other day or week, there’s news of one kidnap or the other and Kaduna State is fast becoming the epicentre. Schools and school children are no longer safe. 120 students, 350 students there… A few days ago, there was the kidnap of the curious emir of Kajuru. Let’s not mention the many unreported/unsolved crimes. Nigerians are dying of hunger with food prices at an all-time high: ‘Nigeria to host 25% of world’s extremely poor by 2050” (Daily Trust). “Nigerians borrow to feed as food prices soar amid stagnated income” (The Guardian). And on the gloom goes. Yet government decides to prioritise the monitoring of WhatsApp? As I said, speechless doesn’t begin to describe my shock.

I have seen some attempts trying to shalaye. They are splitting hairs over whether the amount is N4.8bn or which security agency is in charge. They miss the point. First, there is little matter that the generality of Nigerians do not trust the government. Secondly, no one can convince me that whatever good intentions led to this bill, some security agencies are bound to find a way to sabotage it.

If D’Tigers were a federal government agency

You’ve probably heard that D’Tigers broke all kinds of records to beat Team USA, the world’s no. 1 basketball team in a warm-up match ahead of the Tokyo Olympics coming up later this month. D’Tigers went on to also beat Argentina’s team which is ranked 4^th in the world. In the light of these victories especially that of the US, everyone has had something to say. Some Americans especially one Stephen Smith, a sports commentator on ESPN’s First Take was almost apoplectic as he dissed Nigerian names. Of course, Nigerians have offered their own mixed reactions.

Through it all, many people finally got to know the D’Tigers team. One of the things we learnt is that they’re being funded through GoFundMe contributions and not by the government. That their coach Mike Brown is working without pay. Most of the players were born in the US and quite a few play in the NBA. Then there’s the composition of the team. Everyone’s making the same point that if D’Tigers were federal government-run, competence might not have been the guiding principle. Just take a look at the players and compare them with any federal agency in Nigeria. In fact, you can begin from the three arms of government: Legislative, Executive and the Judiciary.

Nonetheless, I am happy about D’Tigers’ victories, in spite of the issues we already know of. The point Nigeria is at now, we should embrace good news wherever we find or hear it.

Onoshe Nwabuikwu, AIRTIME columnist is a renowned TV/Film critic, and Film scholar. She also has experience in Advertising as a senior Copywriter and Corporate Communications as Communications consultant